Achilles Heel

So I already sent out a little bullitin on Myspace about this exact same subject, and yet I 'just can't get enough(!!clapclap!!)' of talking about this little factoid I learned this morning. Plus, I just learned how to spell Achilles Heel and I'm wanting to spell it over and over so that I never forget how to do so.

So, a little website told me this: "The term “Achilles’ heel” was first used by a Dutch anatomist, Verheyden, in 1693 when he dissected his own amputated leg."

Tell me know, how disgustingly interesting is that!

Plus, I have spent a lot of time surfing these past few days and discovered, (quite late as I always do,) this site: Odeo.com , which is good for people like me with shitty dial up connections in their ancient apartments. I can hear 'Wait, Wait... Don't Tell Me!' without having to wait over an hour for a podcast to download, that might not be complete, or might not download at all.

I'm Sitting Upright in Bed.

I am listening to 'Every You Every Me' by Placebo, and debating whether I can find a place open late enough to eat. Well, I know there are places to go but I am not feelin' falafel at this point and those Döner Imbusses are the only things usually open at 3am on Wednesday.

What I really want is someone to talk to. I want someone to call me back but I don't want to sound needy so I call no one more than once. I just missing my friends back home so much it hurts. I mean don't get me wrong, I love Berlin and I like the people I've met etc. I just wish those special few people from VA could have joined me. The other students here are just a fun group of kids to go out with on the off chance we have enough money between all of us.

::Warning, pointless paragraph ahead, hopefully it ties ininn the end but no one can say for sure.::

Today, I deactivated my Facebook account after realizing that I never use it and I find it a hastle to put up with. Plus, I don't really have a lot of friends at CMU anyway so what is the point on trying to keep up with them? I have a feeling that, (very unfortunately,) camps have been made and lines have been drawn, which is so the way with hormonal teenage drama. :o/

Alright, I am going on the record now as saying that I do not care about the past. It is just that, in the past, behind us, gone, done, etc. Now that isn't to say that I am the type to forgive and forget, (me and the good Lord are still working on that,) but I am really tired of pissy bullshit. If you don't like me, believe me it is your loss. But really, seriously, is it worth spending large parts of your day thinking about how mad you might be at someone when you could be getting on with your own life. No. No, it isn't.

After the Ex/Factor and I split I just cut all ties. I got my shit from the apartment and bolted. No contact, no sitting at home dwelling, just working on making new friends and getting ready for and then living in Berlin. It was nice, and I was happy until snakes started crawling through the DSL lines from across the pond.

The best part about the latest email from SheWhoNeedn'tBeMentioned is that I realized how we are big kids now, and yet when two people get into a fight the shittalk starts with mutuall friends. Then all of a sudden what I might have said about someone in the past is common knowlede and blown out of proportion.

Pardon Me Please but: As if no one in this whole world ever gossiped or complained about a friend? (Come on now.) I am not saying however, that it is right and excusable, but for fucks sake who has never been annoyed by someone that they would call a friend at, att least,) one point in their relationship? Now friends of friends who have nothing to do with the one real argument at hand are suddenly, (somehow and fornoe reason,) involved, become cliquish, and get all defensive. A line in the sand is such a stupidultimatume.

I'm sorry, but I stopped playing telephone in Kindergarten for the exact same reason why I don't play it know. It is and always was a stupid game. I am certainly not perfect and Idefinaltyy do not claim to be so, but I do know how to act like a BigKid and move on instead of obsess over something that is not a part of my life anymore.

Pittsburgh, leave me alone. I'll deal with you when I get there alright? I mean this very seriously: Fuck off Pittsburgh. I'm in Berlin and don't need this monkey on my back.

Sun's up again...

And I am sitting here listening to Jeff Buckley. I feel like the ultimate pretentious college ex/pat. I always get a bit lonely around this hour and want my phone to ring. When I pick it up I want it to be one of two people from home that I haven't heard from recently. I want to stay up for days and talk about living here as well as find out what is going on back in the Chesapeake-a, Va. I sent out postcards to respective friends as cheap german gift-ies and hope that their responce will bring us somewhat closer.

What's my problem, I leave in a month and a half. I have no time left in Berlin and I can't stop thinking about home. Maybe it's because I have only two or three weeks in VA and then it is back to the goulage in western PA. I'm not ready to have to do real work at that very real world place. Oh My dearest God! Fuck CMU(!!!) My cousin was right, it's a great school but everyone is beyond easily burnt out.

I'm just not in the mood for a group of pretentious, overly intelligent, over-eager asswhipes that call themselves students. Plus, bumping into the ex/factor, as kosher as we might be, doesn't sound like fun. Too much of my life is in Pittsburgh and I've been trying to run away from that for so long I'm getting tired.

Instead, I want to move to Holland amoungst the TulipPeople and learn more Dutch, (which b/t/w is surprisingly similar to German,) and marry someone with that same yearning to speak languages that sound like a throat disease.

Catch - 22

To go out, or not to go out? That is the question!
Weather 'tis nobler for the mind to study?
Or to suffer the slings and arrows of fortune
After going to the streets to enjoy a cold beer with friends?

Man I know how to rape the Bard. Could that be worse from memory?!

Me not wanting to study this stupid article for art history will be the end of me. SonofaBitch.

If You Were Ever in My Way.

Almost 4am again, (UTC+6 mind you,) and I have the lights on low in my little apt. Watching Scrubs again, I also am surfing for nothing on the mindlessinterweb putting off art making for the 10th time in the past 20minutes. Way to go.

I can't sleep. Probably because I woke up at 7pm yesterday, but also because I have this one word running through my head. 'die Notfall.' It means 'emergency' in German and it came in the form of a SMS at about 10:30/11 saying that I need to haul ass over to Charlottenburg. At 11pm there no way I could get there in less than an hour.

After the M5 to Alexanderplatz, the S-Bahn to Zoologischergarten, and 2 SMS's + a phone call to a random Portugese guy later I was finally in the presence of my 'Notfall'.

She was tanked and wearing a blue haltertop with jeans while carrying a bottle of Becks and asking me over and over to help her, help her! I meet her friends, her guy, and she steals me into the bathroom. I hate being cornered and this is exactly what happened. She's gonna cry and I needed to balance friendship with responsibility seeing as I'm the most sober. I really hate being cornered. It's not right, it's not fair, and it never ends well.

We get back to my place only after listening to the same three stories caught in her head over and over over, (etc.) I also witnessed a drunk old man wearing face paint attack a drunk young man dressed in black and slicked back hair. It was just sad.

In my apartment, I decided a plan of action that was better then her's and good for the both of us. The balancing act was amazing. ::patting self on back::
We smoked a rolled cigerette on the balcony and talked about the World Cup while in the back of my mind I kept thinking how paranoid this whole thing makes me. It's definatly not right, and certainly unfair, that I should think about myself when she's the one that needs a cup of tea, a Xanex, and someone to talk to.

I sent her on her way home, (she wanted to leave and be with this guy,) and have been up ever since.

It is 5:30 now. I'm gonna go get lost in my sheets.

Germany and "Going All the Way"

There is something very exciting about being here during what seems like a turning point for this country. The Germans, especially Berliners, are a skiddish about displays of national pride, as my ex-boyfriend was about kissing in public. extremely.
This is not because they don't want to - it's just thePast has made them feel guilty about it - the same way my ex's mother probably made him feel about PDA. So when I see Germans in the streets and in their cars and on their balconies with flags - I will tell you it does make me feel so happy for them.

With the World Cup being played here in Germany and the team doing exceptionally well this time around this country has been able to come out and show off the Black Red and Gold without shame - as well as earn some extra revenue. Now the team is currently in the eighth finale - if they were to really go all the way and win the whole thing I can't imagine what kind of national holiday/riot/explotion would happen here in the capital.

This city is so poor and so in need of attention from the government it is truly upseting. A lot of people receive federal paychecks, (welfare essentially,) but as always there are people who don't get enough as well as those who shouldn't be taking advantage of it. After the reunification the West has had to foot the bill so that their brothers could crawl out of the whole that was communisim in the East. Now the West is pissed, feeling that they are footing too much of the bill not just for the East but for the EU as well. 'We can only be taxed so much' is the general consencious - and yet the reality is, some one must pay.

So is the way with everything. I have noticed that the largest examples can always somehow be related to the smallest happenings. A country get's their first victory in at least twenty years, ( I'd say the wall falling is still number one in the books here,) and a poor German girl concures her fear of seeing a docter for the worst reasons anyone would need to go.

See the problem with going all the way is that you have to be able to pay for it.

Lovely.

So in the week before my dearst Mexican comes to visit I have been dealing with the scary big people things like health insurence forms and finding apartments in Pittsburgh - as well as continuing email contact with the XFile.

Some things to remember though, for all of you who choose to come to Berlin.

Definatly learn the S-Bahn U-Bahn and Tram schedules by heart. Unless you enjoy wandering through the city for four hours by foot until the sun comes up over Frankfurter Tor. (It's beautiful by the way.)

Bring your camera everywhere. So when you find the German equivalent to an awesome trailer park you can film it in the wee hours of the night without pissing off the monsters that live within.

Don't ask the cops for anything but directions.

Outdoor DJ's with live video projections and a grill equals an excellent celebration of someone's 25th birthday but don't bring along your own overpriced indian food. It's just rude.

Otherwise nothing much for this sad excuse for a post.

Schweden

I am a very big fan of the Swedish people. The men that they breed are too perfect and I really want to bring one back for you America. We would all be so much happier if we had our own Swed.

In other news, the $$ is shit against the €€.

Otherwise I have been the most productive little ex-pat in all of Berlin, seeing as I went to the doctor, drugstore, Anmeldung office, and the university all before 12pm. So while all you lovely Americans were dreaming your hopefully sweet dreams, I got shit done. ::patting self on back::

Thank you very much, over and out.

Dr.Pong and HouseBugs.

It's been raining again the past few days here which upset me. Only because Ic an't wear sandels without fear of slipping and really hurting myself on the cobbelstones and crappy pavement here.

In between rainshowers I found this place called Dr. Pong with a friend of mine last night. It is this abandoned looking whole in the wall on Kastanine Alle in Prenzelberg. The minute you enter the door there is a burst of smoke and partynoise. People are everywhere and on this particular night there had gathered a ring of German men around the large ping pong table in the center of the first room. They moved in a circle around the table attempting to keep the ball moving back and forth. It didn't really work. I squeezed through the massive crowd over the the next room with a DJ that was the lone dancer to his music. I mentioned to my friend that it's like laughing at your own joke - kinda funny but really more sad then anything. A Becks cost $2.50 which really pissed me off but I bet a mixed drink is in between 4 and 6 euro. A shame really. They are making all that money off of drinks and don't put any of that revenue into the building. It seems though to be very chic to look like a squatter here. When the buildings are renevated I admit they do loose some of their charm or history. But for crying out loud, when the floor starts coming up from underneith you or the ceiling falls from above you, there is a problem.

Oh no, Miami's pet just dead I need to help him through this rough time. As well as explain to him that your garden variety house bug doesn't probably even know it is alive let alone feel death's a comin'.

World Cup. and other Adventures.

'An awesome excuse for drunken parties at an international level.'
It should really be the catch-phrase around here.

There's lots'o'face paint, ass grabbing, beer drinking, and BBQ-ing. All in all it is pretty fun until you are in no mood for those asshole Italians and their fucking noise makers.

I left my apartment one afternoon to meet folks at the Fan Fest near Potsdamer Platz that stretches a whole mile to Tiergarten. The second I reached the tram I was blown away by the thick smoke possibly coming from grills in the neighborhood. Even though I don't eat meat, and haven't in over 7 years, I still enjoy the smell of people burning anything and adding sauce to it. One bottle of water later and a mad dash to the M5 I was on my way into chaos.

After a very long U-Bahn ride where my chest was stared at by unabashed Europeans, I climbed out of the station to be bombarded by Black, Red, and Yellow people everywhere. An asian woman stood near the Balzac coffee by the station crying out over the frey, 'Ein Euro, Ein Euro!!' whilst lugging around a bag stuffed with German flags and other WM crap. Occationally some half tanked blond German would stummble over to shut her up.

I met up with my Michigan-mate and we headed into a wooded path that opened to hundreds upon hundreds of screaming fans. After seeing the first girl get man-handled by a group of drunk football fans, we decided it was best to leave. The food sucked anyway and the beer was way too overpriced. ( I mean come on 3.50 euro for a plastic cup of Berliner Kindel!! ) ::note the pretention in that statement::

Since then I 've attended the 'Fan Fest Berlin' a few more times with better results. It seems everytime I go I meet up with another new group of people from some other corner of the world. Our similairties end at the languages we speak. The whole night it's German with a little bit of English for clarification when needed. I just feel like an ass for only speaking one forgein language when the average is between three and five. Maybe there is a French class in my near future...

In other news the past has started to creep into my Inbox. After January, I needed a fresh start and I was really lucky to have that until now. When I do return America, I promise to continue my resolution of starting over. I haven't looked back since the beginning of the year and I am not going to start looking over my sholder now. I might turn into a pillar of salt.

Just.Because.

We had a U.S soccer team?!!

Could have told be before today!
We got our asses handed to us by the Czech Rep. anyway...

And so.

Last night at around three in the morning I decided, (while completely sober mind you!) to call up the XFile for a chat.

I'm homesick. He's the one of the few phone numbers that I can remember off the top of my head and no one else was picking up. This time it didn't end in his getting upset and hanging up on me. Instead we were civil and sweet-ish to one anouther. I mentioned it isn't nice to break up with someone over instant messenger. But regardless of that comment, it went well and my outlook is a bit more possitive.

In other news, an Indian woman weds a cobra.

Otherwise, I feel guilty for not having gone to the studio in a very long time. I prefer to work through the night with hot coffee, my arm warmers and some comfy sweats. Sleep is for the hours between 8am-1:30pm. But I am dying to pump out more prints and I am running out of time to do it. Fuck.

In other words, a boring, happenless German afternoon.

moreEvidence.

Whilst chilling in the UdK cafe on the first pretty day in a long time, I figure I will take advantage of the free internet and upload some of the GermanExperience.

I'm lying down half drunk in front of an old ass museum at 4 or 5 in the morning - just for these two photos.. I later put them together as best I could. The bottem is just the title card for the peice.

This is actually an instillation of theAussiegirl. She took a photo of me, herself, and another friend of ours, blew it up and stuck it in the toilet of the Jewish Girl's School. The school was being used as one of many buildings housing the Berlin Biennial where she worked as a guard. I guess she figured she could put the Biennial on her resume after this.

theAussiegirl.

@ Planet the best bar in Berlin in my humble opinion.

The shop window of Hugo Boss in the trendy/tourist.ie part of town. The stage rotates, and no matter the light or lack there of outside I can't stand looking at this for too long.

Some photos from the Biennial. I didn't get a lot of titles or artist's names but they are interesting to look at.

This concludes this round.

a.Visa.

I don't have one, and I need one.
My three months are up in about five weeks and it takes 6-8 weeks to get an appointment at the importantGermanOffice where one must apply. By the time I can get in there I will be illegal. fuck... I think the worst that could really happen though is that I get deported. :\ Which really would be more embarassing then anything else.

I'm running out of money fast, (which I expected anyway,) but it still isn't fun. The weather is still cold, and I think I am getting sick.

Despite all of this, I know I'll be fine. I'll land on my feet and all. I'll finish the semester here. MyMexican is coming to visit, then my mother and brother. I have things to look forward to. (I say this more for me then anything else. Daily affirmations if you will.)

I need a bath, some tee, and two passport sized photos please.

Again, the Wait. (and how it destroys women.)

Disclaimer, one bottle of cheap champage and I can't be held accountable for this entry...


The weather hasn't let up today at all. it stopped raining for a while and began again as if to say, Fuck You.

I finished the entire Berlin Bienial, (spelling always a problem, you can't check it on a German version of Google that is unescapable.) theAussie and I flitted to and fro from each of the seperate buildings housing the event with her guard pass and saw a lot of great art, and a lot more bullshit wrapped in government funding. Funny how Berlin suffers from a 29% unemployment rate... or higher for that matter. I'm just happy they didn't get 7€ from your's truely.
We also sat in cafes and managed to look very hot and important while chowing down on food and coffee we couldn't afford. theAussie lifted english magazines and also managed a free tote from the semi-attractive guard at the gift shop. (I am telling you her little pass got us everywhere.)

As far as the aformentioned Wait. it is something that grips us all when we least need it. it is what spreads five minutes, or five seconds even, into 5thousend years or longer. There is a time limit to everything, but theWait creates a metaphorical virtigo that makes one spiral into panic over something that - when looked at objectivly - shouldn't be so troublesome. The finish line never seems to appear.

And just when you think he is messaging you, he's not. And the Wait continues.


::Sidenote:: No one is ever online. Why? I prefer a conversation in realtime and am always left out in the cold. It is only 6:30 where you are America! I stay up late for you!


This is getting really bad. This is probably going to be deleated after my buzz wears off tomorrow.

Super.Gifted.

I am exhausted.

Movie on couch. sleep.

the end.