Once Again.

Like a child I have stubbled through this semester from one weekend to the next waiting for nothing to happen. Of course everything has happened - everything has changed.
A year ago I was in a relationship with someone I thought I loved and who I also thought loved me as well. I was torn about school I was even more torn about life and thought I knew what I wanted I just didn't know how to get it.
Now, I have no clue what I want. I have no idea how to get nothing other than by doing nothing. I can't jut stay still though... so what exactly am I supposed to do? Well for the past few months I have been working on the day to day thing. Just trying to make it through each class, each hour, each second of every day helps. Makes life a bit better actually.

Now, almost a year later I am continuing just that. School, Work, Studio, Work, School, Party, Boy, Work, Party, Studio. And now it is the end of the semester
and I need to start really gearing up, for something...

The Revenge of June.

I always wanted a twin sister. I always wanted to have someone I could share everything with. I love my friends very much and yet at the same time it wouldn't be the same.

So, for my senior project I have decided to create her for myself.
Using a mirror, I am scratching out a backwards portrait. By peeling and scratching the black paint on the back and leaving clear glass. A negative. I'm just hoping I can find her.

The Aftermath.

So he called.

We went out to Market Square in Downtown because I wanted to see the lights. Right in front of the PPG building we watched the ice skaters swirl and stumble around a huge Christmas tree filled with lights, ribbons, and ornaments. We then walked to a little restaurant and sat at the bar. Everything inside was glowing from the red and orange rope lights hanging around the walls. A woman with a strange accent served us as we talked, slightly awkwardly with a hint of giddy childlike happiness. It was a good night. I'm worried about Monday though. the more I see him, the more I know I am going to like him. I will slowly get rid of the other numbers of old playmates and his might wind up on speed dial. Then what?

Am I just thinking about this too much?

The Return of June.

This semester has been a blur of projects, papers, long nights working at the bar, and a few trysts with new playmates. Crappy dates, better dates, very good dates are all the same though at this point in time.
I sit now in my corner studio on the fourth floor of the College of Fine Arts building with all of my work surrounding me and yet I can't concentrate. Why, dear America do you ask? Well, for the exact reason that I have dreaded to be plagued with for almost a year now.

I am waiting for a phone call, (from a guy of course.)

Could someone bring me some kind of insight about why the fuck I am such a pathetic romantic? Could any therapist get rid of my ridiculous daydreaming and lonely wishing for male company?!

Wait dear reader! Here comes the irony... The second I have managed to get this company I don't want it anymore. I've kicked people out immediately after, or lain there pretending to be asleep hoping for him to sneak out quietly and never call me.

This guy though - I think I might actually like him. Now for those of you who have followed my tale this far, you are aware this hasn't been the case since the Killer. I can't have that again. No more complicated feelings while standing next to someone. Please no more crying at night knowing he will never return this feeling of want and respect. And most certainly please oh please no more scheduling my life into someone else's!! I can't have this my last year in school. I can't look to the future with someone over occupying my present.


In other news, there is nothing noteworthy to report. Just as was stated before - paintings, papers, and the bar.