kissandtell about June.

This lonley world is wasting,

2007-08-12T04:13:00.000-04:00

it's time on me. I'm listening to REM after a night of drinking wine with Germans that have never been to Berlin. All that I can think of is the city that made me think of the fact that there is so much more than what is outside of my simple hometown - no outside of this simple Pittsburgh. All that i want to feel right now is the rush of the U-Bahn as it docks at my feet on the way to the next ... entry.

The Birthday Morning/Day/Night

2007-07-28T04:48:00.000-04:00

I awoke just after noon with a neat hangover to the sounds of 'America's Next Top Model,' (which I abhor,) and gathered myself together for breakfast.

The scene in Cosi is something for myself and Lady K.

As we sat perched on stylish wooden seats next to the window of swiftly passing yuppies on their lunch hour I took in the fact that I barely knew the girl that took off an honest day's work to make sure that the 20th of July was something to remember. We ate our shitty/overpriced food, (her 'doing surgery' on her tuna sandwich accomplishing nothing but a small smelly bad of fish mixed with cold cheese.) We spent the rest of the day exploring her neighborhood - passing Harry Potter toting adults and sunglass donning vacationers like myself - the highlight being a visit to the Torpedo Factory. I didn't necessarily love a lot of the work, but it was just amazing to see people making money doing something that they loved. It was Studio #224 that was the one to visit.

Then there was the walk to the Mall and sitting on the grass in the sculpture garden listening to jazz and people watching.
The night was a blur of walking, metro, smoking from a bowl very obviously in the middle of Dupont Circle, hitting on the waiter, pissing behind a shrub, and countless other drunk activities, and finally home. Bed. I had successfully turned twenty-two.

2007-07-27T02:42:00.000-04:00

Regardless of the fact that I don't have time, I want to make time. I would like to put it all down before I forget. I 'm trying not to forget the best week I think I've ever had.

It started with my flight being delayed out of Pittsburgh for six hours. Normally one is frustrated, irate, any number of negative emotions when a plane is so delayed but I was hanging out with two of the nicest people I've ever met in the bar right next to the gate. A couple vodka tonics, a lemon drop, and a few cheese sticks later I was giggling at the gate as they told us to 'remain patient,' and thanked us for our patience. Once in New York my connecting flight was also delayed.

At the baggage claim my amazing week truly began. Mr. Y sat clutching the latest issue of a popular news magazine. The second he glanced up I got a surge of happiness. I was here! Washington DC! I wasn't in transit any longer and I got to see a friend I hadn't seen in an age.

After the trip into Old Alexandria we met up with Lady K and headed to the nearest bar. I realized I was not longer in the 'Burgh when my first round cost $15.

First came mid-night and then the bar sang 'Happy Birthday.' Next the free shots, the creepy NOVA (Northern Virginia,) boys, the tenth cigarette, and finally a fun stumble home.

I woke up the next day next to Lady K with the best hang over ever and the rest of a beautiful birthday day ahead of me.

More on that later.

The Birthday?

2007-07-04T03:38:00.001-04:00

I should be more excited for the vacation. Instead, I sit in front of my best friend, (PowerBook,) and worry over things that I cannot control for the next few days - (the fact that I can't work, can't really spend a lot of money, and can't speak a lick of French.) All these are slightly random I guess but it's late... I'm tired.

Mind you, at nearly four o'clock in the morning on a national holiday there is nothing to do other than continue to listen to the same sad DeVotchKa songs and watching a muted episode of Dawson's Creek on one of the few basic cable channels offered through our humble Comcast subscription.

Happy B-day USA...

2007-07-01T13:16:00.000-04:00

I have such an amazing talent to make an ass out of myself it actually astounds me. I'm sitting in my 'living room' on the floor watching 'Home Improvement' on basic cable and remembering in little bursts the stupid things I did last night whilst being very fucked up. Then I start to remember how much I spent last night. Poor bank account.

And only one night's sleep later,

2007-06-28T12:15:00.000-04:00

I'm less upset and more wanton. Lashing out is wrong and I should be a nicer and bigger person.

I keep thinking about the winter and how there seems to be fewer problems in general when everything lies in wait for the new year. The snow kills or dissuades the insects from creeping through the cracks in our apartment, it softens steps on the pavement, lessens the chances of being mugged in Garfield, and makes this city look a bit cleaner.

It's that frozen quiet that I miss more than anything. When there's no wind, no one around, and only the sound of your breath/crunchy step in the air. I remember looking around me and finding thing revealed by bare foliage that I hadn't noticed in August and feeling somehow in on something. Fuck that's lame but I miss the cold.

I Get It.

2007-06-28T02:49:00.000-04:00

For a woman, your looks last only so long. This is baring lack of funds for cosmetic improvement. The reality is that I smoke heavily and drink like a fish - nut I'm young so I've got a bit before it starts to eat away at me physically or otherwise.

So the true question is, why is dear June left with only the dregs of humanity that want nothing but, "I am still very willing to hang out with you, watch movies, eat food, fool around, whatever, but it would not change that I still do not want it to take on uniquely girlfriend qualities."

To myself and other female friends this reads as, "I'm not that interested but if you feel the need to get laid you know my number."

Apparently I don't try hard enough/too hard. I lack something.

So, this evening I sit at the bar next to a female bulldog in an acceptably slutty tube top and all that I can think is how perfect her life is with her perfectly lame romantic problems that are not problems at all - simply the contents of a very lame episode from a hideous series on MTV - and I think to myself, 'how jealous am I right now?! Ignorance is bliss.'

After the lights came up at the bar and revealed all of us to one another I stumbled towards my bike and rode home thinking that I should be happier about the lack of company. I escaped the parade without being scathed.

(Let us all now have a collective laugh at the pathetic attitude of the heroine and dis wade her from ever posting drunk again.)

The Song Remains The Same.

2007-06-26T15:42:00.000-04:00

My return is marked by the Comcast Cable man arriving promptly at 9:15 yesterday morning.

--------------on with it then.

Lyrics to that very emotionally crucial song are never effective when spelled out in front of you. It is imperative that the beat, the adorable raspy voice, all of it must be there in order for the true impact to be made.

Personally, I'm infatuated with the Ladytron track Cease2xist off of Light & Magic, especially the lines: Think, everyone that you've kissed/Do the cease to exist/Once you've stop being missed

But this doesn't mean anything to you until you hear it.

Oh to be eternally despondent and European! Everyone would hate me I'm sure but I would remain unaffected...

The End Is Near!

2007-05-08T02:03:00.000-04:00

So, I know for a fact that when you barely post on a blog that no one really reads anyway - people stop reading completely. Why start up again now?

Because Ladies and Gentleman - I'm days from graduating and the announcement cannot go unposted.

Now I have the rest of my life to sit in front of this computer and astound you with my day to day achievements. :)

Over the past few months I have move in and around Pittsburgh living only day to day in the hopes of finishing each week and with each week having one project or another completed. When I wasn't working within the 15289 zip code I was at the bar, (either earning or spending money.) But now this endless cycle is over - over and done with - completed - finished - I mean almost.

Tomorrow I send off three paintings to the Miller Gallery here on campus for the BFA 2007 show and by Friday with the opening reception also comes my one and only deadline between me and the diploma - the Drug Use Drug Policy final.

This is all that is worth writing because this is all that is worth thinking about at the moment. There will be no long drawn out revisiting of my four years here. There will be no 'would of should of could of-ing.' There is no time for that. The rest of the world awaits.

Vernonia Sch. Dist. 47J v. Acton (94-590), 515 U.S. 646 (1995).

2007-04-24T00:32:00.000-04:00

(b) The first factor to be considered in determining reasonableness is the nature of the privacy interest on which the search intrudes. Here, the subjects of the Policy are children who have been committed to the temporary custody of the State as schoolmaster; in Page II that capacity, the State may exercise a degree of supervision and control greater than it could exercise over free adults. The requirements that public school children submit to physical examinations and be vaccinated indicate that they have a lesser privacy expectation with regard to medical examinations and procedures than the general population. Student athletes have even less of a legitimate privacy expectation, for an element of communal undress is inherent in athletic participation, and athletes are subject to preseason physical exams and rules regulating their conduct. Pp. 7-11.

for more crap such as this click here.
http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/cgi-bin/getcase.pl?friend=nytimes&navby=case&court=us&vol=515&invol=646

The Past Few Weeks,

2007-04-03T14:26:00.000-04:00

has been a vicious and tiring cycle of running back and forth from the College of Fine Arts building, to my apartment, then to my place of employment and back to CFA. In the mean time there has been a huge basketball tournement, (my sympathies to all Ohio fans,) Mr. Universe is arrested for being drunk in public, and a young German woman goes a little nuts...

The things you miss when you're too busy to notice.

The Month of February.

2007-03-03T14:04:00.000-05:00

As written by Yahoo.com horoscope:

With this month, it's time for you to move beyond a few old habits that have been obstructing your romantic views. Has pessimism been poisoning your perspective, when it comes to romance? Has negativity negated some of your more loving impulses? Are you slightly insecure? Or do you find partners who are insecure and have trouble letting you into their hearts? The 1st and 2nd, it's time to really look at this stuff. Go ahead and keep thinking about it the 3rd and 4th, and by the 5th, 6th and 7th, you'll be in a good spot to make some kind of change. Whether it's a loud change -- like making up or breaking up -- or a quieter change, like shifting your own ideas a little bit, it will have a major impact down the line. The 13th, take a break from all this hard emotional work. Why not go for a jog on the beach? The 17th, check in with a parental figure -- they could have some good advice. By the 24th, you're probably ready to ask them out. Go for it. End the month, the 28th, with something new.

As written by June herself:

Being a cancer is horrible. I'm emotional, sensitive, moody, guarded, bitchy, and difficult to keep up with. This is why at the beginning of the month there were four different 'contenders in the running', but I wasn't looking for a valentines date. I was fine on my own with the occasional free drink supplied by a date that we both knew would go nowhere. Unfortunately someone wound up walking into the bar and tricking me into two weeks of a good time and one of complete confusion and frustration. So now, after realizing how happy I was before the mess I woke up with today I simply want to forget that February ever happened. Let's delete the month. Let's look at March as a longer February do over...

This is what I ask of March, that is doesn't try to act like this:

The 2nd, 3rd and 4th, you could feel like a vaudeville performer who's just gotten out of their straitjacket while locked in a tank full of water using a tiny golden key and their teeth. When it comes to romance, it's like you've emerged, beaming, before an admiring audience as the month starts. Yep, some problem that had been holding you back has just resolved itself, thanks to your nimble underwater moves and clever thinking. Go ahead and take a well-deserved bow -- then the rush to the telephone and call up the object of your romantic attentions right away. The 9th, a whole new, straightjacket-less romantic phase could be starting for you. The 13th, rest up from all these shenanigans. By the 18th, you're ready to examine why you were wearing a romantic straightjacket and getting yourself locked up in a tank filled with water in the first place. The 23rd and 24th, a little self-exploration will go a long way toward helping you understand how you are -- and why you are how you are. The 30th, try accepting something for what it is -- this, you know, can be very romantic!

and instead be filled with a less bullshit.

The Semester Summed Up In One Image

2007-02-25T21:19:00.000-05:00

For the two months it has been pulling teeth to put together my Mass Media Project. This is because working with eleven other folks can be great and can be the biggest pain in the ass ever. So here it is, the final image that took too long.

Otherwise, there have been paintings, drawings, papers, other types of deadlines, job fairs, and career adviser meetings. Oh let's not forget the work at the bar. I like to think that Carnegie Mellon is a blend of what's good in life, what's really bad, and what is extra stressful. Nothing to truly report though. Let me know what you all think.

question

2007-02-15T02:38:00.000-05:00

as words flow endless into a papercup i am sitting here after another long day and wonder how i made it this far.

with images of broken light running though my brokenbrain i wonder why i let myself wander this far.

but in the end nothing will change in my world right?

It's 1:15.

2007-01-30T01:13:00.000-05:00

And I am sitting here again at my trusty computer watching 'The Office' on TV Links, and wishing that I didn't have my public policy class tomorrow. This is not only because I dislike this course but also because I don't want my Senior Project class to happen immediately afterwards.

Mind you I like Senior Project, I just hate having to propose my next project considering it will be over critiqued and changed beyond what it is that I wish to accomplish.

Look at the girl who is never happy with any situation and mock her please.

Death to Public Policy! (or at least those who study it.)

2007-01-24T12:41:00.000-05:00

I rant about these folks, only because I know a few and am actually taking a public policy course. Actually I really only have one complaint.

Public policy courses turn some of the most fascinating subject matter into an hour and a half powerpoint presentation chock full of some of the worse slides ever published, (quality wise that is.) Even the interesting articles can't save this one...

The Beginning of the End, (sort of.)

2007-01-15T11:31:00.000-05:00

I'm a senior doing the landslide into May. It's the first day of school, (all be it a half day due to Dr. MLK Jr.) and what did I do? Sleep in and not attend my first class and only class today. Why? I'm in denial about being back and this being the last go at a semester at Carnegie Mellon University. This shouldn't be a big deal - but it is.

If I unpack and put everything away, should I set on to campus, if I talk to my professors about this semester - It will kick off the small snow ball that becomes the giant crushing ball of ice that is the Panic of May 20th. Cap and gown must be ordered, the ring must be fitted, the letters of recommendation must be collected, a job must be secured, and I become an alumna.

So I'm living this week like the Devotchka line ringing in my ears and heart"
"We've come a long long way, Let's put it off for one more day,"

Last night I think I had a date, but I'm not sure. Drinks were bought for me, laughter was prevalent, and we were both pretty buzzed by the end of the night. I think though, that my smoking really bothered the poor boy and I need to be more serious about quitting before I go back out there again. I just get nervous and reach for the comfort of a long drag on my Camel Filters. I've never felt more unattractive then noticing his occasional face or hiding his nose from the smoke. It was proabably how I looked as a little girl when my dad smoked in the car.

I've mentioned before that there are no such thing as resolutions and so I'm not making one to quit smoking. Instead I'll take it one day at a time and just not smoke on this day, hoping to not smoke the day after but not concerning myself with that now. Wish me luck.

Late Night Cable Be Damned!

2007-01-08T05:50:00.000-05:00

I swear I loath and love that ten minute afterglow after watching any film adaptation of Pride and Prejudice, (this morning's being the most recent adaptation.) I hate the brief childish belief in love and storybook romance, but it is in no way beneath me to giggle and squeal throughout the whole thing. It's just like reading the books... you come away wanting swans in your lake, blossoms in your trees, and a mrs. in front of your new last name. Oh, let's not forget the happily ever after as well!

Ugh, I'm making myself sick.

Ah High School!

2007-01-06T01:21:00.000-05:00

It is the greatest motivator of B horror films. Some of my fellow arty outcasts and nerds from AV club gathered their talents and created Tamera, a 2005 horror flick about an 'ugly' nerdy chick who's interest in witchcraft helps her come back from the dead after a prank in a remote hotel room goes wrong. This is every girls dream. To show up one morning, (hopefully not after coming back from the dead,) to blow everyone out of the water with "bangin'" looks and a smart comment for the mean assholes... and yet:
Some annoying clichés that need attention:

All popular people listen to shitty hip-hop and have no real taste in music.
I would like to think that even a real asshole likes something beyond generic one hit wonder hip-hop tracks. I won't go so far as to say they are Mozart scholars, but maybe a little Radiohead or something...

All sports related activities in high school breed asshole bullies.
Everyone has met a prick that became full of himself through other means - not just from being great at sports.

Virgins are nice. Popular girls are sluts.
I've found that it is possible to be quite the opposite. Virgins can be quite cranky for obvious reasons. To be popular I think can also mean that you've never gotten any. Look at the movie Saved! Many Moore and her crew made it quite obvious that they were saving themselves and they were the pissiest chicks in that movie.

English teachers are hot and sensitive.
In the second grade the teaching assistant in my class was hit on by all the single moms. His name rhymed with handsome which wasn't lost on these women. Being only six I wasn't old enough to appreciate this. When I grew older I've never had a hot teacher. Ever. I feel ripped off.

The whole, 'she was ugly - now check out that bod trick,' is getting old.
It would be nice to have a normal looking girl remain normal looking. Not severely ugly to smokin' hot. Not super unfortunate to the pinnacle of success. Just normal... to normal. I can see the benefit symbolically, yet I can't appreciate the underlying message of hotness equals acceptance. It feels good in theory but it's actually quite lame...

That Special Time of Year.

2007-01-05T00:04:00.002-05:00

One of the true tests of faith is the willingness to forgive. This is something that I have struggled with more than anything else this year and yet it seems as if I will continue to battle the rage and discomfort brought on by the month of January 2006 for a little bit longer.

I have never made whole hearted resolutions for the new year before. I think it has something to do with the fact that it's bullshit to treat the Roman Calendar's first day as an excuse to change. I will however make an exception this year. This year, I'm going to make a better effort to forgive. I want to forgive all the little things and the big things caused by others and myself. Maybe then the anger and aggressiveness will begin to pass.

The mission behind this electronic log was never to share my thoughts with the world, (ironic right?) - rather to just throw words out into space so that they didn't rot inside of my mind and heart anymore. Now that I'm comfortable with this reckless form of expression I need to become more constructive and start to fix things.

Pittsburgh Photo Essay.

2007-01-02T05:22:00.000-05:00

This was done a couple months ago. Many Kudos and Much Credit.

My apartment bathroom.
Fifth and Craig.

Mellon Institute elevator.

Lecture auditorium.

In front.

After an Early Sundown.

2007-01-02T01:22:00.000-05:00

I woke up in bed at four in the afternoon today and decided to stay there until close to eight. I must say vacations are wonderful because I really don't feel guilty about this. Honestly the biggest highlight of my day was going to Barnes and Noble to buy another collection of crossword puzzles.

After parking the car I got out to realize I didn't even think of bringing a jacket and secretly thanked global warming for the cool night.

Looking across the lot I noticed that the only people that frequent strip malls at this hour are highschool aged assholes with the inability to get alcohol during their Christmas break. I don't think that I will ever understand what makes people my age and younger feel deviant inside of a bookstore chain. They play Sarah Fucking McGlocklin over the sent of preppy coffee for Christ's sake - there's nothing 'bad ass' about that.

I peered around the usual corners in the store, (new paperback release then on to language reference, turn back and glance at fiction, pass through periodicals and debate for five minutes in games.) After choosing my book I moved through the maze of tables in the cafe and got in line. I took one look behind the counter and decided that coffee would only be a cup of lukewarm disappointment and mentally decided on an americano. It was then I noticed that one of the women in front of me was packing a handgun on her hip. It brought me back to my research about handguns in my attempt to obtain a license for my own. I started to feel as if i looked like I was making a big deal about seeing a woman with a handgun and became frustrated at my possible obviousness - I just was really excited but refrained from bugging this poor woman with questions.

I need to pause now and rant just a little about the employees and customers of Barnes and Noble Cafe. First off, I'm tired of people complaining or not being able to drop the idea that it's not a Starbucks. I believe that B&N really shot themselves in the foot with this one seeing as no matter what state I'm in people always bitch when they find out they can't use their gift cards there, or they don't understand how it isn't a fucking Starbucks. As for the folks on the other side of the counter, part of me feels for them, (after even a week in food service anyone would,) but they are always inept in some way. Maybe I just have a short fuse, but if something is on your menu - if you offer certain options - then don't give me that fucking look when I order a double tall soy vanilla latte or whatever drink item I'm willing to purchase. I've even had a woman roll her eyes at me and I swear I wanted to inject some snarky tone into the moment but no - instead I throw a joke in the tense air as my weakness for the reaction formation defense mechanism calls for.

Anyway.

My intention to go to places like this bookstore cafe is to just get out of the house and really just be alone. I must say though there is something about being alone in public that makes you feel more comfortably isolated than being at home. I sat for an hour and a half working on the first puzzle in my new book and listening to different cell phone rings pierce the bland store soundtrack. It never fails to surprise me when the older gentleman's phone goes off with a very loud cut of a crappy pop tune.

I wasn't really to go home, mainly because I never get use of the Tahoe so I drove to another shopping center close to my house. I don't like AJ Gator's in the least, and I also don't like walking in and immediately laying eyes on someone I know from school. I shuffled to the bar and ordered a Diet Coke hoping that this girl at the end of the bar would continue to focus on her obscenely large portion of nachos and her very preppy looking group of friends and not try to remember who I was.

Since diet Pepsi is not the same as diet Coke I went with a Red Bull and sat there working more on the crossword puzzle and hoping that no one would notice I hadn't come home yet.

By the time I'd left, I found myself actually worried that there was a cop in the parking lot waiting for someone to walk out to their car and ran scenario after scenario through my mind of getting pulled over - after not having a single drop of alcohol.

And so went the night.

One for the Books.

2007-01-01T04:40:00.000-05:00

This ability to not get the slightest bit of rest is obnoxious. I won't go into the details of my sleep patterns but let's just say before tonight I hadn't the slightest clue as to the plot of the HBO series Entourage and now I'm more caught up then I should be.
I didn't feel like staying in this evening but I really didn't want to go out. The truth is I couldn't think of anyone I wanted to spend the holiday with - so I spent it by myself. I hate the bullshit of watching the ball drop in New York City, (it's not exciting, I think about the poor idiots freezing in the cold, and I'm not a fan of NYC.) Instead, I was up in my room playing solitaire on my pocketPC and barely noticed the passing of the hour. From 23:58 all of a sudden it's 4:46 and I don't feel like I missed out. I guess my ambivilance is what keeps me from closing my eyes and drifting off as well. It doesn't matter whether I'm awake or asleep.
I will say it was nice to get a few text messages from people. It's nice to think that in some random bar or house party someone will think beyond the cheap box wine and shitty music to connect.

I'm not making any real points here this evening. I feel that my more enlightened moments come to my when I'm far from my computer so I'll wrap this up and hope that sleep will visit soon before I start making breakfast and going on a Starbucks run.

avon calling.

2006-12-30T03:01:00.000-05:00

i'm sitting at three in the morning watching edward scissorhands on dvd and thinking about why i am up this late. you would have thought the beer, crown and ginger, modified car bomb, and the crown royal from a flask chased with cheap scotch would have done me in. instead it has simply effected my ability to spell.

tonight made me realize that i can never just be happy in either virginia or pittsburgh. i have more friends here, but i am so far removed from their lives the short time i spend here doesn't count for much. in pittsburgh i lack the friends but there is much more to do and see and in all honesty i've had more club oriented fun - all be it alone.

i need to start the "more cool people in the 'burgh" campaign.

When Night Gets Light.

2006-12-22T04:45:00.000-05:00

I'm still up sitting in old yoga pants and t-shirt gumming on my clear plastic mouth guard hoping that Ashton Kutcher will finally hook up with Amanda Pete so there might be closure brought to some part of my life. It's true that I have spent the first half week of my vacation attempting to rival my mother's pre-paid Fresh Market stuffed turkey in weight and gummy complexion, but with the illness of the past two months weighing down on my motivation, I can't think of anything else that makes me happier than a 5am airing of Disney's live action classic, 'Sky High.'

On a happier note, I bought one of these today:

Like several before me I spent several hours typing in my tasks, contacts, personal information, and finally appointments with the dainty stylist. My hands grew sweaty around the pricy hunk of metal as I realized after putting in my schedule for the next semester I was still a little empty inside about the fact that I had no appointments until the 4th of January. I started to wonder about the folks that buy these devices in order to complicate their lives further by creating appointments for each day - over tasking themselves into oblivion. It was then I understood that I was thinking about all of this far too much and decided to cook three eggs and watch Donnie Darko for the 45th time.

I Hate New York City.

2006-12-20T01:22:00.000-05:00

I gave it a chance. I've been twice, no three times!

Summer 2003: My graduation present was a one week trip with my family. The first day I saw a homeless man
defecate in the subway. I asked myself, 'Welcome to New York?' By the end of the week I just wanted to get out of there - I was choking on the city.

Summer 2004: Probably the most fun I had in the city. I stayed with my then roommate and former friend for a week and liked it alright - I gave it a real chance and I believe looking back it was fun because of the people I got to spend it with not because I did anything spectacular.

Winter 2006: JFK airport. People crowd the terminal like clothed animals grunting and growling - clawing and groping through security and then on to the different terminals. Everyone puts so much effort into connecting with others via their cell phones and ipods that they cannot conceive of giving a shit about anyone around them. Chatting with someone, asking questions, cracking a polite joke - all seen as trivial and dumb to the high and mighty NYers.

I never want to ever even have another layover in that God forsaken land. it just proves that when people are squeezed into a space that has them breathing down each other's necks ... I don't know, it's Lord of the Flies or something.

Some Girls Like June.

2006-12-17T02:36:00.000-05:00

All that they really want is to go out and enjoy the time that they spend with friends instead of being crammed in cars with strangers praying not to get caught at sober check points on the bridges from the South Side. I get very annoyed when I'm standing at the bar with a friend that won't stop trying to touch my back or 'take care of me' whilst amongst the drunks. That's not a friend, it's someone to watch out for - because if you get too drunk you're going to get taken advantage of.

Can you answer me a question? Why can't a girl get that one guy she wants? Instead, it's the guy friend that won't stop making hideous passes at her. When ever the end of the night comes, and I settle into my apartment alone I'm not thinking about anything other than the fact that I love being alone. After being driven or walked home I cannot wait to shed the escort and then my smoke soaked clothes to be enveloped by internet radio and Velux blankets. The next step is shutting out those thoughts of annoyance and bring on the fantasy of the impossible in order to fall asleep.

I was invited to a party in the old apartment that I lived in. My former roommate was down the hall - who knows if she was sitting inside or out with me ex. I can't help but want to dig up the hatchet and split the old door into pieces that splintered across the room. (Even after a year of not seeing either of them I'm still attempting to suppress the feelings of hurt that manifest into rage.)

The moral of the story is that there is no moral. There is no reason behind how I feel right now because there are too many thoughts actually going through my head.

Once Again.

2006-11-27T00:54:00.000-05:00

Like a child I have stubbled through this semester from one weekend to the next waiting for nothing to happen. Of course everything has happened - everything has changed.
A year ago I was in a relationship with someone I thought I loved and who I also thought loved me as well. I was torn about school I was even more torn about life and thought I knew what I wanted I just didn't know how to get it.
Now, I have no clue what I want. I have no idea how to get nothing other than by doing nothing. I can't jut stay still though... so what exactly am I supposed to do? Well for the past few months I have been working on the day to day thing. Just trying to make it through each class, each hour, each second of every day helps. Makes life a bit better actually.

Now, almost a year later I am continuing just that. School, Work, Studio, Work, School, Party, Boy, Work, Party, Studio. And now it is the end of the semester
and I need to start really gearing up, for something...

The Revenge of June.

2006-11-26T23:52:00.000-05:00

I always wanted a twin sister. I always wanted to have someone I could share everything with. I love my friends very much and yet at the same time it wouldn't be the same.

So, for my senior project I have decided to create her for myself.
Using a mirror, I am scratching out a backwards portrait. By peeling and scratching the black paint on the back and leaving clear glass. A negative. I'm just hoping I can find her.

The Aftermath.

2006-11-25T19:42:00.000-05:00

So he called.

We went out to Market Square in Downtown because I wanted to see the lights. Right in front of the PPG building we watched the ice skaters swirl and stumble around a huge Christmas tree filled with lights, ribbons, and ornaments. We then walked to a little restaurant and sat at the bar. Everything inside was glowing from the red and orange rope lights hanging around the walls. A woman with a strange accent served us as we talked, slightly awkwardly with a hint of giddy childlike happiness. It was a good night. I'm worried about Monday though. the more I see him, the more I know I am going to like him. I will slowly get rid of the other numbers of old playmates and his might wind up on speed dial. Then what?

Am I just thinking about this too much?

The Return of June.

2006-11-24T19:58:00.000-05:00

This semester has been a blur of projects, papers, long nights working at the bar, and a few trysts with new playmates. Crappy dates, better dates, very good dates are all the same though at this point in time.
I sit now in my corner studio on the fourth floor of the College of Fine Arts building with all of my work surrounding me and yet I can't concentrate. Why, dear America do you ask? Well, for the exact reason that I have dreaded to be plagued with for almost a year now.

I am waiting for a phone call, (from a guy of course.)

Could someone bring me some kind of insight about why the fuck I am such a pathetic romantic? Could any therapist get rid of my ridiculous daydreaming and lonely wishing for male company?!

Wait dear reader! Here comes the irony... The second I have managed to get this company I don't want it anymore. I've kicked people out immediately after, or lain there pretending to be asleep hoping for him to sneak out quietly and never call me.

This guy though - I think I might actually like him. Now for those of you who have followed my tale this far, you are aware this hasn't been the case since the Killer. I can't have that again. No more complicated feelings while standing next to someone. Please no more crying at night knowing he will never return this feeling of want and respect. And most certainly please oh please no more scheduling my life into someone else's!! I can't have this my last year in school. I can't look to the future with someone over occupying my present.

In other news, there is nothing noteworthy to report. Just as was stated before - paintings, papers, and the bar.

the October D.C. Trip and Oakland Mornings.

2006-10-27T09:46:00.000-04:00

Me and two friends will be departing at about two o'clock in the afternoon Eastern Standard Time, in order to go to the much anticipated Dresden Dolls concert. Let me just say now, I couldn't be more excited to travel right now.

In other news the city is getting colder everyday. Scarves, hats, and gloves are being pulled out of the back of closets once again, and the threat of snow come with just about every forecast. The mornings are still the best time of day though, simply because the chill is not too bad - yet. Students and professionals alike are power walking down Forbes and Fifth Ave. in sweatshirts and blazers still, and the panhandlers aren't starting to buy coffee with their daily collection. It's nice to watch the delivery trucks squeeze into side streets and block traffic with ramps while cars and buses aggressively maneuver towards a final destination without having to plow through snow. The smell of the streets has gotten better as well with the cold coming in. You don't inhale the McDonald's before spotting it, newly renovated, next to Fedex-Kinko's. The morning is the best time to mill around Oakland.

I picked up my prescriptions, got some coffee at the Panera a block away from the Rite Aid, and caught the 67F to Trafford back to Craig St. and Forbes Ave.

the Work That Never Ends.

2006-10-26T20:30:00.000-04:00

So it has been a while has it not?

I have discovered something about my senior year that I never thought would have happened. I am now comfortable with the idea that I am an artist, and yet my academic life has never been so discouraging.

In the past, fair June, (aka Genevieve for those who haven't realized at this point,) has always done rather well at Carnegie Mellon University. Grade wise that it. And yet now, while my work flourishes, my grades have hit an all time low. Why you ask? Well, the reality is that all art school cannot grade artwork. Think about it. How would Leo have done with the Mona Lisa in crit during a Materials of Painting course? Probably horribly because he was unable to convey, (fill in pretentious comment here) effectively enough.

Otherwise the world still turns, the 'Burgh gets colder and Monday's turn into very free Thursday nights that are filled with applying a ground to a wooden panel for an experimental piece of crap that will be critiqued on Monday. Wish this fair girl luck. :)

the DC Weekend.

2006-09-30T01:07:00.000-04:00

So it is 1am and I am lying on my belly on a comfy couch in a Homewood Suites in Alexandria, Virginia. My youngest brother is drooling on his comforter passed out in the armchair next to me. The other brother is talking in his sleep in the other room while my parents rest together in another bedroom. The Aunt and two second cousins are sleeping soundly two floors below me.

I am the only creature crawling around this lonely but quite home-ie hotel. We have come here for the National Book Fair in Washington DC and I am tagging along for the ride – I need to get out of Pittsburgh for a little bit.
Last year there were authors that I knew, and this year I was a little sad to not recognize anyone on the roster. This must be a sign that I need to read more, and then I remember that I never have time for my favorite pastime. One of my favorite smells in the world is a brand new book or a very old one. I loved going to the library as a child, and I still enjoy visiting the places books live to this day. Why don't I just put my computer down now and dive into one of the three different books I brought with me?

The fact that I just finished a major meditation session over a project proposal might have something to do with it. I'm working on a piece for an alleyway space. The frustration with the thought process led me to run outside and just walk around the little part of Alexandria surrounding the hotel. I sat on this peaceful grassy knoll and watched adolescent male party animals run inside the McDonald's across the street. I listened to the cars, the neighborhood sounds of dogs, and other creatures whining and howling. I took in the rhythm of traffic and imagined driving down the Leesburgh Pike with ‘them’ - radio on, caffeine pumping through our veins. I noticed couples returning from the city to the hotel, looking ready to crawl into bed together as the staggered hand in hand toward the hotel entrance. The best sight was the sky with clouds lit up by city lights. It’s an electric sky.

I came back inside and wrote the proposal. It's not all worked out and I need some input from a collegiate source but I like what I am thinking. I can't wait to hear back.

But now, I must retire.

It's 'Morning' Again

2006-09-24T13:21:00.000-04:00

I need to start getting on the ball. then I realize I only thake four classes and can't possibly fill my entire day with school work. Let me just get through today and finish the little painting, and start on something quick for 2-D mixed media and worry about Senior Project later...

All of this means nothing to anyone except me, but it is the way I think during the semester.

Otherwise, I've just been hanging out, chain smoking, and riding in cars with boys. I need to find friends rocking the double XX... My friends from school, work, and outside of both those things are all guys. Less drama yes, but a bit weird none the less.

To Motivate.

2006-09-17T02:12:00.000-04:00

So it begins.

This week, the real deal has set in over campus. Kids are refusing to leave dorms because of the little voice that nags at the back of our heads screaming deadlines.

Monday first painting due but not before the meeting with my professor, Tuesday is the crit on the two squares - plus the first homework of Abnormal Psych is due. Then there are the two days I work from 6pm until 2am - and the mini exam the following week where I haven't read a single part of the book for... The list goes on and on. The voice gets more and more persistent.

Today instead of appeasing the voice I fucked around. But the fact is the voice didn't reach me until about right now - at a little after two in the morning on a Saturday night. After grocery shopping, painting, movie watching, more painting, and drawing. I've gotten enough done, but it isn't about that. The voice makes you feel as if you are walking through quick sand and you can't finish anything even though there is enough time for all of it. I freak, and refuse to move - refuse to work - I can't concentrate - all I can think or feel is fear of failure. Yet I will fail if I don't work.

Let's stop procrastinating.

Just Watch Me!

2006-09-05T02:12:00.000-04:00

A new school day is arriving and I can't sleep. Instead, I am sitting and listening to what I believe is rain hitting the roof of the apartment next door. My neighbor has wised up and raised the shades, probably knowing that my curiosity will have the better of me. No matter how humble your life may seem I am interested in the smallest details of your daily movements.

The cars are flying down Fifth Ave. and then coming to a crawl at the light on Craig St. I always wonder what someone could be doing up so early/later and where they could be going. I just hope it isn't an emergency - but the way that Yankees drive, who could tell the difference...

I never put my shades down and wonder daily if anyone can even see into this room. If they did, what exactly would go through their head as I made eggs, sat in the window and smoked cigs, laid down to go to sleep? Would they notice that I can't bring myself to turn off a light in this place and realize that I - even at the 'ripe old age' of 21 am still terrified of the dark? Would they find that a little strange as even I do?

Fifteen until three and I can't get rid of the stomach ache and go to bed. I need ginger ale but can't make it to the vending machine. Instead I'll chug Pittsburgh's best from the tap and crawl into bed in order to forget today and start working on tomorrow. The big question for this evening is which show am I going to watch in order to lull myself to sleep?

When It Drizzles It Never Stops.

2006-09-04T01:31:00.000-04:00

This weekend is nothing but a party and a bad hangover. The weather sucks so what else is there to do then hole up and drink oneself into a stupor? Thank you tropical depression leftovers. The best part is being in a crowded fraternity on campus and falling whilst evacuating during a poorly timed fire alarm.

The city is the same as I left it. Just as depressed as ever and just as over run by stumbling college aged assholes. It's gotten colder fast without any sign of letting up. I'm enjoying myself mind you but I know what to expect each and every day I wake up in this god forsaken city. Smoke a cig, have a beer, hang out in my pj's and attempt to be witty. This week though, is the week everything really starts to pick up. The party will die down to nothing and the studying, stressing, and art making will pick up.

We art senior's had our art studio draw and I wound up in studio number one - with no complaints. I'm just happy I have a corner sans assholes.

Otherwise, I have been listening to an excess of Dresden Dolls and waiting for someone from VA to call. Nothing special really.

"Dear Mr. and/or Mrs. Sender-
We're pleased to inform you that your applications been accepted
Starting from the time you get this letter
Your life will be one never-ending
"hope you're feeling better"
You get your choice of an aesthetic
We'll need to chop your clock off (tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock)
It might not be what you expected
There is no money back once you've been ripped off..."

The Crybaby Essay.

2006-09-01T01:17:00.000-04:00

Here is a view of Carnegie Mellon as ripped off from Wikipedia's entry about the school. It's pretty decent, I mean I pay a good $40+ grand a year to go so you would think it would be amazing. Well, it has it's ups and downs as everything does.

This semester I have swindled my way into only taking four classes, (instead of the average five.) This way I can work and have time to really concentrate on the three studios which are my true focus and fuck around in my Ab Psych class.
This week I find out I am the only motherfucker that wants to decrease the amount of classes I'm taking. I am surrounded by over-achieving assholes with ten word long double majors/ minors that have a stick up their ass about everything...

But, to be honest, I am not actually letting my frustration it get to me. I am sitting in my nice apartment with a gorgeous view, I've lit a Cowboy Killer, and have proceeded to start dancing around in my underware, with the shades up and the windows open. Got to let that Fall air in folks.

Now, if only I could get rid of this horrifying homesickness.

the 100th post.

2006-08-30T12:21:00.000-04:00

So there should be something phenominal to talk about right? Usually for a hundreth episode a television series does some interesting theme like Scrubs doing an episode based on the Wizard of Oz. Well, I'm talented but not that talented and unfortunatly nothing of worth has happened as of late other than my apartment cooling down. School life is just boring, I apologize.

I'll be back though. Something has got to pop up at one point.

The Homesickness Essay

2006-08-29T00:00:00.000-04:00

images of home.

a few friends.

and here is LaBella and BabySister.

end scene.

Count Down to Day One.

2006-08-28T01:01:00.000-04:00

My first class of my last year starts in 7.5 hours. I'm not excited or dredding it, instead i am staying up late and watching DVD's alone in my big empty apartment. My roommate moved out today after simply smelling cigerette smoke on my clothes and while part of me is more than pleased the other part of me finds myself repulsive. She knew me for less than 6 hours so I have truly honed my repulsive nature into something very potent. I'm sure my enemies would be very happy to hear all of this.

I've decided though, that instead of dwelling on folks that are obsessive about their dislike of me, (which was never my style anyway,) I will instead focus on pushing everyone I know and could possible like away from me in as violent a manner as possible. This is much more the way I like to play things and my success rate is quite high. Fuck-um. Fuck all of them.

Tomorrow I will sit in the cramped studio and wax bullshit with folks that will pretend to care about my semester abroad. Then I will fain interest in my new professor and then proceed to fuck off and make the work I've been meaning to. Wet, Lather, Rinse, Repeat. By the end of it I will come out with a degree and a shit load of debt. Then it's on to grad school.

Enough bitching though - I'm stoked about

Weeds

, I'm even more stoked about traveling more then being here this semester, and I'm looking forward to the couple grand coming in from the bank so that I may pay a bill or two. Things don't look up or seem bad, they go on regardless.

Back Online: The First Pittsburgh Essay.

2006-08-27T16:54:00.000-04:00

The new apartment is spectacular and the fact that my roomate is never here is even more amazing. I have this huge place all to myself and it makes me feel like, in a way, I never left Berlin. The people on the floor are nice and I've even been able to see a few folks I am friendly with so it has been an easy transition.

The only rut was the internet - but with the help of talented neighbors I am back online doing my thing and watching the first season of Weeds on DVD simutaniously.

There is nothing really more to say about this experience, other then I have been able to exercise my house repair skills which always make me feel self-sufficent.

Time for coffee and a smoke.

Send Off.

2006-08-25T03:20:00.000-04:00

Fuck the promised Photo Essay.
Instead, keep this image in mind:

Me with five amazing friends and a few drunks from the bar standing tall and tipsy whilst screaming Bohemian Rhapsody at the top of our lungs at Winston's Cafe in Chesapeake.

I don't think I've ever had a better 'last night outing/party' in any town in the world.

This evening was originally filled with drama and panic. The A/C in the house is still broken, (keep in mind it is very humid here folks,) and the man who came today to fix it saw me in nothing but a towel. Next, the only functioning A/C unit in the house leaked on some of my most precious books in my library - things I had brought home from Europe and a children's book from my childhood that I still hold near and dear on top of other things. Then came Father with his pissy attitude and computer problems, then Brother #1 with his unfunny sense of humor, and finally Mother who was just tired and 'not in the mood'. During all of this I did manage to grab a relaxing lunch in with an old friend, but by 8:30pm EST I was in no mood for anyone and everyone could certainly sense this in my voice.

As I leaned over the bathtub ringing out another soaked rag from underneath my leaky A/C I couldn't help but think that I would end the MotherFucker who dialed my house digits one more time. I mean I still needed to finish packing... (!!!)

The problem was, I needed to return things to people, CD's a dress, books, etc... And I shouldn't be rude to some of the only people in the world who put up with me and my bullshit. So I made stressed phone calls while stuffing more towels under the window frame and attempted to pull myself together before my ride showed up, (this girl has traveled much for having never in her life owned a car. I'm not proud of this.)

Winston's Cafe was the spot at around 9:00pm this evening, and at first with only a vodka tonic in front of me I was red at the idea of singing during their Thursday Karaoke Night. After two more beers though, it was 'Criminal' by Fiona Apple. I stood there laughing most of the time and grasping my friend's hand like a vise. After another beer, it was a group of us singing Radiohead's 'Creep.' Then for the finale, Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody' with the whole bar, (including our waiter,) belting at the top of our lungs. It's really was one of those nights you don't want to forget.

And now I am sitting in my cramped attic on the mattress left for me on the floor. The dripping from the A/C has stopped for now and the house sleeps. I've just finished packing and am delaying the dragging of Suitcase #4 down the stairs seeing as it might wake the dog. Instead, I think I will catch a nap before I'm rudely awakened and shoved into my father's Tahoe.

I will leave you with one picture taken the first week I was in town. It's of one of my dearest friends dancing with her little sister while listening to the jazz music channel on Cox Cable, (yeah, we think the name is funny too.)

Yes Please, Virginia.

2006-08-24T17:56:00.000-04:00

It's not the most exciting Commonwealth amongst the four in the Union, but it is my birth place and childhood residence. I can't help but miss it everytime I leave. Dear old Viringia...

Sic Semper Tyrannis!

Thus to Tyrants!

Well tomorrow bright and early I will have loaded everything into the back of the Tahoe and be on my way to the next best Commonwealth. I do think though that I should be more excited about returning to Pittsburgh, but I'm just not.

Tomorrow, I'm moving in here with a sophomore I've never met from the Music dept. Fun Times.

I'm not trying to complain, I'm just ornry - like a five year old that hasn't had a nap.

Photo Essay to follow.

Don't Raise Your Voice At Me.

2006-08-23T13:08:00.000-04:00

With seven husbands and eight marriges Lana Turner is an example to live by. Here she is testifying at her daughters murder trial after Little Lana (Cheryl Crane) stabbed Turner's lover Johnny Stompanato.

After witnessing a small explosion in Newport News I have decided that I will never get married. Mind you I have been dreaming of that magical day when I make that promise to 'love - honor - and cherish' forever since I was young enough to daydream, but yesterday I was swiftly disillusioned. Last night, I did not want to be in that small apartment sitting in the other room while my best friend and her guy had a screaming match in the bathroom. It doesn't matter what they were arguing about, it isn't any of my business anyway. I just felt like a toddler trapped in a house I couldn't escape. The reality is, she was my ride.

My parents have never fought like that within earshot of their three children, so I missed out on how to cope with mommy and daddy fights. The highlight of the experience is her guy coming into the room I was waiting/hiding in with a red face and bugged eyes looking down at me and attempting to pull me into the 'discussion' with questions that tried to garner him sympathy.

My friend, her friend, and I finally got ready and went to TheClub. While She finished putting on make-up and venting to her tag-a-long idiot of a married friend, (it's an epidemic btw - everyone is getting married between the ages of 18 and 24 in Hampton Roads) and I hit the bar with the fury of every scorned or abandoned woman in the history of the world. With so many people flooding TheClub and having to deal with greeting assholes I haven't seen in ages and will never see after this night, I needed to be as lubricated as possible.

Two beers, three different shots, and two mixed drinks later, (not in that order,) I was dancing on a stage with bars and mirrors like an asshole. I hate that I do that, but who doesn't when they are wasted.

In the end, I still think it is better that I put all men off with asshole-like dancing and drunken hugs then to deal with a Tuesday Night Fight like the one I witnessed. Let me keep all my male friends, and may I never commit to one of them as more then just friends. Cheers! To Spinsterhood at Twenty-One!

bullshitpost.

2006-08-17T02:42:00.000-04:00

Your results:
You are Hulk

Hulk		90%
Spider-Man		80%
Green Lantern		80%
Iron Man		75%
Catwoman		75%
Supergirl		70%
The Flash		70%
Wonder Woman		60%
Superman		50%
Batman		40%
Robin		35%

You are a wanderer with
amazing strength.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

i'm so lonesome i could cry.

Fuck UnHappiness

2006-08-14T01:09:00.000-04:00

Who could be unhappy when sitting on a couch watching the sweetest little girl spin round and round in a Chucky Cheese hat? Her fair blond curls are bouncing around underneath the little blue hat and they glow making a sweet golden aura around her porcelain complexion.

If I had a child I wouldn't want a guy in the picture. Easier said then done I am sure, but today sort of validated my claim. Although, I would want a son.

Go to bed with this:

Apologize to all of your Genevieve's.

P.S. I'm so hungover I would die if I had the energy.

the Virginian Sunday Morning.

2006-08-13T08:52:00.000-04:00

With the last three seasons left unseen I am amusing myself for the rest of the weekend, (i.e. today) with a show that uses lines like: "I am not that big a candy ass! Everybody loves guns!!" I was a bad fan of the show and didn't watch really any of the third, fourth, or fifth seasons being the victim of insufficient cable channels in college. At least this go around I get to listen to commentaries.

Saturday night was good old drunken fun up until I discovered my Designated Driver in the bathroom in a really horrible state. I babysat and communicated with her significant other as to how to find the party until He was there to help me get Her in his jeep. I feel awful since she had to leave the brand new car she bought that same day parked on the street a good drive away from where she lives.
I remember as He guided Her to the car, I ran over to Her vehicle, and grabbed everything she needed for work the next day as well as snagged all the CD cases I could find and threw them in the trunk. (It’s a safe neighborhood but not that safe.)

Otherwise I mingled and got to see people that I hadn't seen in a long time as well as chain-smoked my way into a whole. Feeling my chest tighten up this morning really makes me consider quitting. But then I would have to wear my glasses again in order to continue this faux art intellectual look I have going on – or start wearing more pretentious clothes from thrift stores.

Other than this news, I have just learned this morning of the tragedy in Amsterdam. I feel really bad that I laughed when my mother told me...

a Fucked Friday Night.

2006-08-11T22:44:00.000-04:00

Not that there is anywhere else that I would like to be in this broke dick town, but sitting in the attic with very dry eyes from wearing contacts for more than five minutes and scanning the internet/Direct TV for entertainment isn't as relaxing/fun/whatever as it should be. Jason Biggs, Jessica Lang, and the Ricci girl are doing there best tonight as Prozac Nation is the only worthy film on tonight. I feel like I should be reading something instead of staring into the glow box.

This girl is disturbed. I can relate in a way, but not a drug induced coma or intense psych sessions with Anne Heiche kind of way. It's more like, 'wow it's hard to be a female in a decently fucked time period' kind of way. It is funny though to see people you know in the fights on the TV screen. I feel very removed from that life, but I know a few families that are very similar. Watching it play out in real life is the same as looking at it now on the silver screen but with 'edgier' dialogue.

Other news from the home front includes my sore jaw from the twelfth and thirteenth fillings placed into my mouth this afternoon. I love my dentist, he is the only one I have ever seen in my life and I trust him more then other health professionals. We decided to try filling on of my molars without Novocain, which I have had done before. When he hit the nerve it was the first time he has ever done that in the many years I have seen him. I jerked and threw a bit of a fit in the dentist chair with the drill still in my mouth. I stared to tear up and couldn't stop shaking as he told me I should never to that again. He numbed every part of my mouth after that and as my tongue started to swell in my mouth he injected a second shot on the left side. By the end of the visit I was cracking jokes with a horrible Novocain lisp. It's just the sore jaw I have right now that still has me a bit creeped this evening. Nothing a shot of Johnny Walker Red won't take care of though...

Recycled News and Comics.

2006-08-09T17:58:00.000-04:00

I have already linked to him in the side panel here, but today I enjoyed Wyndham even more than usual. It's the review on Monster House posted the 8th, (yesterday.)

Also, enjoy this from Questionable Content:

Otherwise, nothing ever happens in Virginia worth mentioning. Ask anyone.

In a Good LateNight Mood.

2006-08-09T01:13:00.000-04:00

For no reason at all.
Here, have a picture:

I just liked the light.

Another Day at Home.

2006-08-08T16:15:00.000-04:00

I haven't done much, except search the web for interesting/useless things that amuse me. One thing of interest found today is as follows:

Een auto en een man en een rivier
Vanaf hier is alles wat het lijkt
de kaart waarop hij kijkt
de sneltram en het kruispunt
en het zwembad
U bevindt zich hier

Herfst en Nieuwegein
in alles wacht
vandaag de eeuwigheid
altijd samen zijn
de herfst en ik
en Nieuwegein

De liefde slaapt in donker cellofaan
’s nachts in Nieuwegein
ze zweeft tussen de snelweg en de maan
de maan is doodgegaan
het was misschien z’n tijd

daar ligt ie nou
je vraagt je af
wie morgen in z’n auto rijdt

Herfst en Nieuwegein
in alles wacht
vandaag de eeuwigheid
altijd samen zijn
de herfst en ik

Altijd samen zijn
De herfst en ik

I can only hope that one of my many Dutch speaking friends can translate the parts that I have yet to do. I love this song, (Herfst en Nieuwegain by Spinvis) and can sing along somewhat, (clumsily mind you.)

Otherwise it has been an afternoon of thunderstorms, cleaning of the bedroom, books-on-tape, vegi-burgers, bleaching, and Gilmore Girls, (yes I am a pathetic fan.)
Another 'vacation day' in southern VA.

There is Nothing Wrong with Nothing.

2006-08-07T15:59:00.000-04:00

I really shouldn't judge anyone. The only person who can truly judge is the one you meet at those big gates in the sky right? I hate the fact that I can get on my high horse and become bothered by things that really shouldn't bother me.
Today I have sat on my ass and done a whole lot of nothing, and how could I say anything against anyone who has done the same thing but differently? Anyway, I must say I should apologize for judging people's habits, and I know that my disdain for said habits truly comes from the prolonged exposure to the X-Factor. Unfortunately he actually has disturbed my ability to be accepting.

In other news:

Sitting this afternoon and watching Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil has been a treat except for the fact that my parents house is disgustingly unorganized.
Pillows and blankets all over the living room that is also stuffed with magazines, old jewelry, parts of an inheritance, old crafts from my mothers ill fated project binges, dog toys, baskets of clean laundry that needs to be put away, and tons of books - everywhere. I just want to throw things into boxes and airlift half of this crap out of here.
My childhood was spent accumulating things that this family doesn’t need and now that we are on a hot streak for buying even more shit my family has come to find that we have no place to put any of it. So things are piled on top of each other and shoved together like a jumbled Tetris puzzle.
There is no real point to my rattling on, I’m just tired, a bit bored, and not really reaching any kind of end.

the Chance Meeting on Brandon Ave.

2006-08-06T21:54:00.000-04:00

On a whim today I decided to call a friend in order to hang out for a bit as well as give her German gifts. Getting into the truck which was an oven on wheels, I inserted the Eraser into the CD player and headed into Norfolk. After parking the Tahoe I walked towards the apartment and spotted his car right away. The person I speek of is none other than theKiller, who I had thought would be out of town for the weekend. You see the friend I was visiting was his roommate and I assumed that he would not be there so I could relax with people for a bit on this very slow Sunday.

I thought to myself that perhaps he isn't there, just his car, that's all... but this didn't keep my heart from racing furiously and I started to sweat for once from something other then the heat.

When I knocked on the door of the apartment I was so thankful to have someone, anyone other than him answer the door, but he was definatly there. He sat in the living room and looked in my direction as I came through the door. I wanted to melt, run, or at least blush furiously but instead I looked away quickly and consentrated on greeting the J-Bot. He got up and after my hug with J-Bot, he tells me, 'Welcome back to theStates.' and hugs me as well. I pulled away a little soon just out of sheer uncomfortable shyness.

The afternoon that followed was a very relaxed one but it took me a little while to settle my mind down. I kept running outside to 'Get some air,' when really I just wanted to grip my chest to keep my heart from escaping out of my throat. It was already hot in the apartment, but I felt ten times more unconfortable just sitting within 20 feet of him. I felt the most unattractive and unintelligent I believe I have ever felt in my life. Question: How does a man do that to a stupid girl after four months of being so far apart?

After finally settling down we were able to talk, listen to music, and watch others play video games with ease. The Others were more interested in smoking as much pot as humanly possible in under 20 minutes which I have to say annoyed the Hell out of me. I always liked the fact that he was able to distance himself from certain habits that others around here occupy too much of their time with.
By the end of my visit the others were sitting stoned out of their minds watching a movie while theKiller and I stayed out on the balcony. We caught each other up as well as talked about plans for the future. His big move to C'ville is more on his mind then anything else so we talked a lot about his job application to UVA and the band that he will be working with up there... etc.
It was nice, and I felt satisfied that I didn't make an ass of myself. I'm of course wanting to see him again before I leave and can only hope that it won't be so dramatic inside of my head next time. I really need to settle down.

The Celebration.

2006-08-06T13:10:00.000-04:00

My return was not the only reason to gather friends at an Undisclosed Location somewhere in Southern Virginia. A mutualFriend also wound up getting married on her birthday, (Aug. 3rd,) so glasses were raised, JagerBombs were dropped and 'good' American beer was more than available.

It was strange twisting the caps off bottles again.

As we sat on the back porch talking, laughing, sharing tattoo experiences/advice/artist's names, and downing Coors Light - I kept thinking in the back of my head that this is my last vacation for a while. Then I thought: why am I looking at my hometown as a vacation spot and not my home?
It became so clear last night that I don't live here anymore. I mean, I don't really have a permanent residence at all. I live at Carnegie Mellon for most of the year, but I don't tell people I'm from Pittsburgh. At the same time I am not registered to vote here in Virginia. The only mail I get at my parent's house is from the local bank, and mail that has been forwarded from Pittsburgh from my P.O. Box in Oakland.
I also don't carry membership cards from anything, or save those repeat spender coffee cards when I don’t frequent anything for very long. I have two bank accounts, (and at one point three,) to make travel easier. I haven’t had a job for more then three to four months at a time. I have managed to dwindle down all of my belonging to fit into three bags - one of which is specifically for my computer. The artifacts from my childhood are in a storage unit 30 minutes from my parent’s house along with more of my mother’s inheritance. When I’m in town, I sleep in the attic, not my childhood bedroom, and share a space with Christmas decorations and my mother's forgotten craft projects.
All this when written down and organized sounds a little sad and I might seem a bit lost. The reality is though: this is the transition from high school to the adult world that is known as College for most folks my age here in theStates.

I was asked by Someone last night, (as I always am here,) if I am coming back to stay after theBigDay in May 2007. I answered the way that I always do, “I’d like to, but we will have to see what happens this year.”
Give me about four months and theFuture might seem a bit more clear.

Greener Grass?

2006-08-05T00:14:00.000-04:00

::preface:: I'm exhausted.

I fucking hate Heathrow Airport.

Otherwise the trip was cramped but enjoyable considering I sat next to another German speaker and was able to live a bit more of the Experience before exiting the plane and seeing nothing but signs in English.

As I exited the gate and into the main terminal I heard a click and saw my Dad, Nikon in hand, behind the main frosted barrier that keeps people from rushing at their loved ones. Turns out, we both bought the same brand of booze to celebrate my return. We sat up late with CNN on mute and talked about everything and lots about nothing- the good kind of nothing.

The ride home was much longer then expected, but my first real meal made up for it. The vegitable plate at Crackle Barrel consisted of fried okra, mashed 'taters,' steak fries, and hashbrown caserole. Add that to the two fried eggs over heard and you have the perfect southern meal in my eyes. The only requests I had after that were for more sweet tea and butter.

La Bella got her gifts, and enjoyed them, but couldn't enjoy me long enough seeing as jet lag had caught up with me. I watched Proof, and sit now in my humble attic on the old mattress resting on the floor in the corner. I'm missing Berlin like crazy, but at the same time feel beyond happy to be home.

Last Berlin Essay.

2006-08-02T22:31:00.002-04:00

Last Night in Berlin,

2006-08-02T16:01:00.000-04:00

and i think i just might cry.

the city has just cooled down and tonight is just so beautiful.

a few people are coming over to visit me and we will say our goodbye's. then tomorrow i must go and reliquish my apartment to the next girl.

i will cry right now just thinking about it all.

Another One Bites the Dust.

2006-07-31T08:50:00.000-04:00

This morning while I slept, another Spaniard left via Lufthansa. The picnic yesterday was in honor if him seeing as it was the last time we would all be together in that fashion. There was a lot of “Have a good and safe trip!” and “Good luck with your last year, and in life as well!” but no one cried this time. And yet there was a definite heaviness in the air last night.
After leaving the park a small branch of people went off to Morgenrot, (or is it Morgen Rot?) and we grabbed a few Becks and sat along the ripped up tracks on Kastanian Alle. They are refinishing that part of the street so by day there are bulky Germans working diligently and by night it collects people poring out of crowded bars.
After an intense and slightly drunken search for falafel with another Spaniard and an Italian I ran like hell to catch my late night tram off home. I sat munching my now very messy falafel next to a guy who took some sort of interest in watching me eat. Regardless of the time of day here, Berlin scares up some strange folks.

Each of these days has just been so normal as if Thursday is never going to happen. Yet, I have already started packing, started collecting my things from the shelves, and started to decide what I am going to leave behind/donate to the next tenant. By Friday this will be her apartment. This comfy chair, as ugly as it is, will be her ugly chair, and so/so forth with everything in this place. But I will be happy to see people. I will be happy to see Virginia again. I miss, strangely enough, the way it smells there – especially when one is driving down Battlefield Blvd. heading toward the N. Carolina border. In many ways, as much as I love this city and have taken advantage of my time here, I can’t help but think deep down I was meant to live between a field of collards and corn.

Last Sunday of the Last Week.

2006-07-30T07:20:00.000-04:00

I'm going to miss the Sunday mentality of the German's, even if three and a half months ago I couldn't understand it. (Sundays and holidays are celebrated solely by purchasing discounted electronics and clothing in the good old US of A. I didn't follow why the Germans had yet to catch on to this.) Now, I get up late, make coffee/breakfast, and just enjoy my very much-needed alone time.
--
On this special Sunday is a little gathering of the other Students in a park for food, wine, and music to celebrate another person's last night in the formerly divided Hauptstadt. I made the mistake of not preparing ahead of time and grocery shopping before Sunday so there will be a makeshift potato dish substituting as my contribution this evening. If all else fails there is always a bottle of wine that can be purchased.
---
Before Thursday there is much shopping at the Galleria that needs to be done, (after I see how much money there is left in my wallet.) I’ll be looking for another piece of luggage, some chocolate, more books, (just say it… nerd,) and maybe some knick-knacks for my new studio next semester.
I half imagine that it would be cheaper to take another trip to Poznan where the only phrase I know, Nie mowie po polsku, (which is probably spelled/conjugated incorrectly,) has gotten me by rather well.
But thankfully, I can shop tax free at the Galleria Kaufhof, (one of the few perks of not being an EU citizen,) so I think I’ll stay local for the next few days.
----
I know that Berlin will always be here, and I have every intention of returning, but I hate that feeling of time running out. I arrived only yesterday with a 20 Degree temperature difference, my life savings in my purse, and a suitcase containing everything I own in my left hand. Now, as it always seems to do, time has crept up on me once again after getting settled and comfortable here. Yet, on the other hand, I cannot wait to see friends back in theStates and give them all of the souvenirs I know they want so desperately. We’ll have a beer, catch up like we always do, and then run off into the night to get tanked in the vast cornfields surrounding the suburbs of Norfolk. The homecoming this week is bitter sweet though seeing as my final fall semester will begin the last week of August in Pittsburgh. I’ll have enough time to shrug off the jet lag in Virginia and then must pack up my life once again and move for the third time in seven months. I am going to look at it this way though; at least I have an apartment so call home on Fifth Ave.

I see and understand now why Berlin sleeps on Sunday. I'm going to miss it.

less then a Week.

2006-07-29T10:20:00.000-04:00

Flight: BA0985
Status: Confirmed
From: Tegel (Berlin)
To: Heathrow (London) Terminal 1
Depart: Thu 3 Aug 2006, 16:35
Arrive: Thu 3 Aug 2006, 17:25
Duration: 1hr 50mins
Class: Euro Traveller
Operated by: British Airways

Flight: BA0225
Status: Confirmed
From: Heathrow (London) Terminal 4
To: Dulles (Washington DC)
Depart: Thu 3 Aug 2006, 19:40
Arrive: Thu 3 Aug 2006, 22:35
Duration: 7hrs 55mins
Class: World Traveller
Operated by: British Airways

and then a four hour car ride to Chesapeake. then an eight hour car ride to the 'Burgh.

See This Train?!

2006-07-28T05:35:00.000-04:00

I caught it, (metephorically,) about seven or eight months ago out of Pittsburgh and even took a plane across the ocean to get out of dodge.

.yet.

I'm still getting ghosts in my inbox.

Better news later.

the second Photo Essay

2006-07-27T11:00:00.000-04:00

Shopping in Poznan

Signs in Poznan

Random Obersvation

I already sent it into Engrish.com

On the Latest Train.

2006-07-26T08:45:00.000-04:00

It is a bit rattling to be barged in on my two hulking German police officers saying very sternly: "We must see your passports please." They swoop in really, wrenching open the door it is only then you hear their heavy footsteps land right next to your seat.

Mother, Brother, and I were traveling on the Warsaw Express from Poznan to Berlin, (about a 2.5hr. trip.) I collected the passports and handed them swiftly to the larger gentlemen in uniform clogging the doorway. When he stopped to look at my Visa I mentally choked. It is in order I know but I half think in the back of my head I will be dragged off by these two men who, even at their age, could do it very easily. Next come these two huge stamps from their satchels that make a car rattling “CLANK” as they press the time and place of border cross-age onto a piece of blue paper in my passport.

More photos coming soon, I believe a second photo essay is in order. These are both from Poznan.

June the Vampire.

2006-07-23T22:29:00.000-04:00

Yes. It's true. I have no life and am on this damn thing more then a normal blogchild. I'm quite the webstalker, and roam around the vastness of the internet for hours looking for someone or something to make my next five minutes stand out from the last.

I just can't sleep with the snoring from one family member and the very audible sleeptalking from another.

Instead of rest, I sit here at my desk with the same little mix playing lightly in the backround - my favorite song has just begun. ('Herfst en Nieuwegein' by Spinvis.) It goes well with the light breeze coming in from the window and soft sound of typing in my corner of the apartment.

I also just finished talking to Ducky, who I miss more then words can express. (!!!) She was kind enough to fill me in about the comings&goings of folk on that side of the pond, and sounds a bit stressed unfortunatly.

I am truly curious to see how my three weeks at home will go when it comes to seeing everyone that needs to be seen/ packing for my, (dare I say it,) last year at Carnegie Mellon/ and feeling comfortable around special topics that will remain unclear.

::immediate thought::I want to drive down 664 heading into Norfolk from Newport News with Ducky. I want to speed towards the Wave, and see the spooky children. Next I want to see theKiller's soon to be former roommates and get as fucked as possible in the closest bar with as many people as can fit into the booth. Then I want a whole day with La Bella. Dawn to Dusk please.

Speaking of which, here comes the sun. Funny how that happens.

Skip It.

2006-07-23T17:16:00.000-04:00

Everybody sleeps on Sundays.

...Except Mother, who wants to wake up bright and early for brunch in Prenz/berg.
Brother, Mother, and I left twenty till noon and met a Guest at the M10 stop. After what was the best buffet at the most random russian restaurant on Knaack Str., (across from the Wasserturm, to give those who want one an idea,) the four of us wandered to Tiergarten and into the Bazaar/Flee Market featured directly off of the S-Bahn station.

The buying of gifts for friends back home is finished.

Sunday, is just the quiet sleepy day here in Berlin. I mean if you really needed a party around here, I'm sure you could find it somewhere. Yet, who would want to? It's nice to: take a long nap in the middle of the afternoon/ eat an amazing Indian meal in Freidrichshain/ read some newly aquired books/ check email without expecting there to be anything/ be suprised by an invite to an exhibit from a fellow artist/ listen to the older Spinvis album shuffled together with the Eraser whilst blogging.

I'm getting used to this way of living and yet I leave in less than two weeks.

Cubic Club

2006-07-22T22:38:00.000-04:00

I am sitting at my laptop, (a bit buzzed and very tired,) hoping that tonight was not my last night in Berlin.

I know that it wasn't, but it really felt like it.

I left Mother and Brother here in the Apartment in order to fuck off towards the deeper part of Freidrichshain to meet with other exchange students for some wine and good conversation. By 2am I was wandering with the group down Warshauer Straße over the bridge past the S-Bahn Station and into Krauzberg. Don't ask the exact street where this place was, but do I know it was a bridge over from the OstBahnhof.

For two Euro we wandered past a large open club made of glowing green cubes and on to a 'beach' on the river. I'm guessing the green minimal sculpture serving as club/bar was the reason this place is called Cubic Club. After conversing with classmates and new 'friends,' I followed the two Italians, the Dutchboy, and an Austrian to the happening in the middle of dancefloor. With bags in the middle, we made a circle to dance in while enjoying two Euro beer and the occational drunk salutaion from a stranger.

I wanted to continue the massive amounts of cigerette smoking and beer siping for the rest of this night, but knew I couldn't blunder into my apartment half tanked at 6am in front of family and expect to make it to Sunday brunch by 11:30.

To keep it breif, the music was generic German trance, with the expected lack of talented/excited German dancers - but it was still one of the best nights I have had here in the city.

In the middle of the crowded dance floor filled with glowing European guests I looked up into a light red sky at about 3am and thought: I will never be more happy.

the 21st.

2006-07-20T21:38:00.001-04:00

In order to escape the intense heat this afternoon, Mother, Brother, and I rushed into the latest exhibition at the Neue National Gallerie.

Berlin Tokyo
Tokyo Berlin
die Kunst Zweier Städte

luckily, I had my trusty notebook, (used for the occasional scribble as well as old-fashioned journal makin') and have gotten the names of German and Japanese artist's alike that are worth looking into. (If interested, you should know where to find my email address.)

Can you believe that the little Virginian-girl saw six real On Kawara pieces, as well as a few Hannah Höch's, a Daniel Richter, and two installations from Yayoi Kusama!!

(Mind you I have only scene slides of these pieces until now.)

I was in ecstasy this entire afternoon just slowly walking from one piece to the next and standing so close the guards got a little nervous.

(There were some goose bumps.)

After purchasing two graphic novels in the gift shop for myself, I left with Mother and Brother to wander into Potsdamer Platz. After a nice glass of Riesling and a small snack we decided to check out the Rundgang at UdK, even though with my many trips to and fro from the Uni all week - we had watched them slowly put up the whole thing. With no surprises found there, it was back to the U2 and once again back into the oven that is Berlin at mid-afternoon.

The Birthday Dinner took place at this little cafe on Kastanian Alle. Once we realized that they didn't have food, (they ran out?) Mother, Brother, June, and Guest buggered off to the Beirgarten right across the way.
(Very good food, no - AmazingFood. Senfeier... who would have thought that three hardboiled eggs, mashed potatoes, and thinned Dijon mustard could be so damn...good?)

I received an illustrated German Bible, which was the best and most on point gift I have received in a very long while, and enjoyed watching my mother entertain the Guest with stories about our dog, Lola.

The entire day, my Inbox, Handy, Myspace Profile, Instant Messenger, and Blog were filled with Birthday Wishes, which made my day more then any big ShinDig or presents would have. (Thankyou. Really.) The best salutation though, came from theKiller. He never actually said 'Happy Birthday.' (too easy, too emotionally close or friendly.) Instead, he does it the way he does everything (using a ten foot poll), which I would like to think means more. He's being nice, I know, but the sweeter little girl in my heart is stirred and I find myself going to bed less jaded.

p.s. unrelated link

Today is World Jump Day (!!!)

2006-07-20T06:49:00.000-04:00

July 20th isn't just my birthday...

35 (some odd) Degrees

2006-07-19T06:28:00.000-04:00

The city is boiling today and every window in every building is cracked. There are fans going everywhere and people are seeking refuge in the few venues sporting AC in this part of Europe. Global warming is a reality that Deutschland needs to realize and deal with the way everyone else does.

Let's go inside, jack up the air conditioning, and not leave the house until the sun goes down.

Today is also offically the last day of my semester at UdK. I have collected all the signatures, gotten the grades, and said a very formal goodbye to everyone that I shared class with. I'm now back in the library, where everyone else seems to still be working and feel bad for taking up this spot for as long as I know I will be. Still, I'm not going to leave before I'm finished myspacing, emailing, blogging, and surfing.

This is also the first time in some time that I haven't been working, or in summer school on my birthday. (My mother believed that summer school as a way of keeping me occupied during the summer as well as getting me ahead in school, I graduated high school with more credits then anyone I knew.) The only problem is that none of the people I know around here have time tonight to go get a drink at midnight. I don't really make a fuss over the 20th of July, (I mean I stopped getting real presents a while a go and haven't had a cake in years,) but it would be nice to do a little something since I have no obligations for the rest of my time here.

Regardless of what happens this evening though, I know my mother will be taking me out tomorrow night and we will have a 'nice family dinner,'which hopefully won't end with any kind of bickering between me and my 17 year old brother.

Next week though, will be my undoing. The final week for many exchange students will begin and endless partying will certainly happen. I must say, I'm looking more forward to that then anything else.

Multiply.(ed)

2006-07-18T19:34:00.000-04:00

Bauhaus, as seen from Wikipedia.

Nothing spectacular today.
Museums, and goodtimes with lovely family members.

Currently I am acting quite the arty fool, listening to Skip Divided by Yorke a few times over and over while researching Wiemar, Germany in preperation for a possible trip there this weekend.

I'm not thinking about anything particularly heavy or stressfull for the first time since Mother arrived and theMexican left.

"you are a fool you are a fool
for stickin round, for stickin round"

::June smiles while listening::

Really, all must buy this album. Then all must wish me luck with the last day of the semester today.

lateNight

2006-07-17T20:53:00.000-04:00

look at the brunette. such a dreamer you never saw!

I wait until everyone is asleep to come home and get onto this pretty little PowerBook of mine. OfCourse (!!!), aMurderer is lurking on my buddy list and due to my slight buzz and extreme loneliness I message him.

(oh yeah, this is a pouty girl post meine Damen und Herren.)

The only reason I vent to you, (the 2.5 people that glance at this,) is that my dearest friend in theStates is busy and hasn't emailed in a week. Granted I have been occupied with family for the past couple days, but I still climb on to the Web each day hoping that she might have dropped some advice into my mailbox. Alas, today was yet again not TheDay.

So, let me just start by saying that today was actually a pretty decent day. I filled each minute on the clock with conversation and activity effortlessly. This act I must confess, is really a brave effort to keep me from sitting here all day waiting for news from home, (via myspce. how sad?!) I call the few I know here in order to bug them into having a beer with me to no avail. I'll admit though, I'm not the greatest friend, (or whatever you call it,) in the world so I am not surprised by their busy excuses. So instead, I climb on the tram home and plop my ass here.

This, mind you, is not my attempt to feel sorry or bad about my situation. I feel that singledom is just that. A period where one must fill your time with other things then a relationship or (whatever they're called.) Yet being a Cancer + Mercury acting like an asshole for another week at least, I am back and forth with my moods about company, (and anything else,) and feel the need to emote.

Then here we are now, full circle at 3am. I'm lonely but enjoy being alone. I'm meloncoly but not that upset by it. I'm consumed with thoughts of aMurderer, and yet living well single and free.

What has anyone gained from this other then more typing practice? Let's save that for another post.

thatMurderer! and Old Paintings/Wine

2006-07-16T16:42:00.000-04:00

Everytime I talk to theKiller I'm 15 years old: feeling ugly, fat, and stupid whilst standing next to a pretty blond idiot.
And all we talk about is the general goings on. (!!!) This is the ultimate girl thing to think and feel, and I see this. Doesn't mean I can't stop feeling it unfortunatly. More unfortunatly I have spent most of my time on this blog whining about it.

This feeling aside, today was the second day of family in Berlin. Mother, Brother, and June, walking around MuseumInsel.

We bought fabulous hats, (I am the RedBarron!) and gave bread to homeless people. We saw oldEgyptianGreekRoman shit, and gazed upon Monet, Manet, Renoir, Degas, + all their other Impressionist friends. Casper D. Freidrich didn't know what hit him... There were other famous German painters featured as well, but for further info one needs to come here and hit up the galleries.

Post-Culturetime was spent walking towards the Weinerei on Fehrberliner Strasse near Kastanian Alle for good wine, pleasent food, and even better weather, (thank God.)

In other news, I still haven't worn a shirt that reveals the two awful secrets on my arm and chest. I feel compelled to hide it from my poor mother as if I were five again and am still scared of mommydearest. (I am not comparing my mother to the real MommyDearest, but every mother has that boiling point that every child fears.) I can't even type about it now, I feel so horrible. Not just for hiding, but for possibly dissapointing Mother with something that I have wanted secretly for ages...

I'm the worst daughter in the world.

On that note, I'm going to bed early.

the Photo Essay

2006-07-14T15:49:00.000-04:00

berlinBiennial

the Man and the Apotheke

@ Planet

theWinery

PartyFlash

EbeswalderStrasse

littletinyHouses.

JewishGirlsSchool bathroom.

TheEnd

My Friend's Name is CurryWurst.

2006-07-14T12:51:00.000-04:00

Walking into Dussmann's, (the German version of Barnes and Noble,) I was pleased that this is one of the few establishments in the entire city that believes in AC.

I walked with HerrMann past a large bald man with tiny glasses of mineral water thinking that maybe there was some kind of event happening on the same day that Thom York's Eraser became available in the store. Apparently nothing special was going on, just another attempt to pamper guests in to buying over-priced media.

The two of us worked our way over to New Releases and did some digging before I snatched the last copy of the coveted Eraser off of the shelf to my friend's cry of dismay.

"Not Fair! Come on!"

Well there had to be more copies available right? I mean this is a massive store and they aren't just going to shelve 10 CD's on the release day...

After bothering the frazzled looking InformationFrau, HerrMann got his hands on a copy and the two of us parted ways into the sea of new music.

WishList:
Hooverphonic: No More Sweet Music
Nouvelle Vague: Bande 'a Part
Nick Cave: The Preposition Score
Muse: Blackholes and Revelations, (only certain tracks though... they tend to get a bit to poptastic if you know what I mean.
Quarks: Trigger Me Happy
Bonnie 'Prince' Billy: I See Darkness
and this new album by the Concrets

We met again by the listening stations and browsed a bit together complaining about the new Keane album and how instantly it blew, (I mean it really fucking sucks my friends,) and then he found it.
HerrMann found this ridiculous album by a German blues artist, the name of which currently fails me, but there was this one song...

Currywurst.

I will do some more research on the song so you may all find it and enjoy it as much as I did. By this I mean enjoy falling on the floor, crying, wheezing, laughing so hard you break something.

The whole experience today was worth getting up at the unGodly hour of 3pm and racing to the S-Bahnhof at Alex for. I always enjoy this kid's company and wish we had the time to get to know one another better, ( I mean, all Radiohead fans are somewhat kin, yes?.) He is obsessed, (I exaggerate, but ...) with Currywurst and so this song has true meaning to our brief friendship. An inside joke if you will.

In closing, buy the new Thom York Album. It is lovely and you will be a lovely person by owning it. I know this is no way to end an entry but - I'm tired.

This Morning,

2006-07-13T10:49:00.000-04:00

I woke up and instantly checked my email. It was Christmas in July as I found my father had sent this old picture of theKiller and I from January\February of this year. I thought immediatly how those glasses I'm wearing there are now in some dump off the coast of New Jersey having broken soon after this picture. The coat I have on is now quite stained and worn out having been exposed to too many college keg parties and late nights in filthy art studios. And theKiller and I don't stand as close to one another anymore. Literaly, and otherwise.

After all of these thoughts, I looked at the clock and lept out of bed into what feels like the hottest day to date here in Berlin. No matter how many showers I take, I'm still sweating through my white T-Shirt on the M5 heading towards the S-Bahnhof at Alex. After climbing on to the train and schleping it to the Uni I find solice in the litho studio.
The large potato resembling German man who helps me print is cheerful and ready to get going as usual. It's sad actually that this was my last day and that next week I must go around and collect my prints, get my signatures and dissapear like so many other exchange students do every semester.

I'd like to think I made some kind of impression here, but that is very unlikly. I didn't use the studio space here, and I never really came to a lot of classes. Instead, I have been taking these past four months to search inside this city, and let it to change me. Mind you I have been working, just not the way I usually do, and I can tell already that my work is shifting in a direction I never thought it would.

The rest of my day will be spent putting things in order around the apartment, showering, (again,) and attempting to avoid putting together my presentation for next weeks final art history class. There might be some grocery shopping in there as well but seeing as it is already past five I doubt it.

so.

2006-07-11T05:20:00.000-04:00

With my visitor gone and more space available in the livingroom/bedroom, I am happy to sit here in bed at 11:30 in the morning and debate mentally the normal everyday decisions to be made while being blissfully alone.

Should I get something to eat first? No, I need to brush my teeth and then I won't want to eat. When should I email Frau Whatever back? Is the weather nice enough today to go to the park but not hot enough to roast in the park? How much cleaning needs to be done before the next guest arrives?

The biggest question in my head is why last night, (while a little drunk,) did I slap my friend in the face? Is he mad? I apologized, but was it enough? Why do I do these things? I'm not a child, and I know to use to my words, and yet when I feel I'm loosing the battle how could I just give in to something so simpleminded. I slapped someone. God! I am amazing at doing these things and then obsessing over the play by play the next day.

He seemed suprised, and but when he left later that night, he didn't seem too mad...

I think I will just start some coffee and get this day started. We'll figure out whether or not I burned a bridge later. We have plans for the evening and so hopefully they come together and then I will know for sure.

Still: way to go.

zeGermans

2006-07-10T11:22:00.000-04:00

Motherfuckers.
It's really the only word I can use to describe theBastards at my Uni, who have gone and royally fucked me in the VISA department.

The Story:

I was under the assumption that as an American citizen I could be here in the EU for at least three months before needing to obtain proper documentation. This is a fact that I checked not only with the German consulate in theStates, but also with my University and other students from the other side of thePond.

"All is well," everyone told me, "wait out your three months then either go to Switzerland or get a VISA."

So today, I got there early. I sat in the sweaty, sticky, and yellowing waiting room with a crowd of other Ausländer like myself and waited like a good girl until I met with a large pasty German woman who was probably much younger then she looked. She checks all my papers, leafing through my documented existence looking bored and a bit disgruntled. Then she tells me my papers are old. I am not allowed to study during my three months of 'visiting.' (I am however able to obtain an apartment, register that apartment, and then simply exist within Berlin proper.)

So I attempted to clarify what was explained to me prior to my appointment in this office. All I get from this woman is, "Du darfst nicht heir studieren oder arbeiten!" (You may not study or work here!)

After a lot of shrugging, shuffling of papers, asking around from one office to the next and then sending me back to time out in the waiting room - I got my damn VISA. So now, I'm in the clear until September but it isn't really necessary seeing as I leave Berlin in early August. Maybe this is a good thing for right now. I love it here, but the bureaucracy is a new kind of hideous.

noSubject.

2006-07-09T21:32:00.000-04:00

It is about 4am again, (as this tends to happen,) and I am sitting alone in my apartment enjoying a slight buzz and not caring that my feet are horribly dirty. (Walking in Berlin is a grungy buisness.)
So, Italy won the World Cup and hopefully thisgermanCity will return to some kind of normal-ness before the Love Parade next week. (ohmy.)

Currently, I have a cold - but that doesn't stop me from attempting to sing along with Amanda Palmer as loud as possible while she belts 'Truce' from my laptop, all the while chatting with random folks in theStates, and wondering when my dearFriend is coming back from her night on the town with theAustrian.
I have no interest, in my current state, to be with anyone let alone a brand new couple and so I retire to my comfy flat to have some personal space. I love having guests, and I especially love having my current one here - but I like my space.
I like things on my terms. If I want to change my mind in an instant or go somewhere without notice, I don't like having to run it by anyone. This is what is nice about living alone, but also what is nice about not having very close friends here. I don't have to care what the others are doing, where they are going or what they are thinking. With my guests, I have to be somewhat vigilant.

So, the story goes, that in the S-Bahn this evening I made the split decison to fuck off home. I didn't really have a reason, I just wanted to go home the way I knew how from where we were from.
She wants to stay out for a while, and is trying to mediate between me and the others, which only aggrivates me. I just want to leave, I just want to go, I have made up my mind a million seconds ago and anyone else is just in the way. This feeling is unexplainable, and happens within an instant - it is also what confusses/pisses a lot of people off and just all in all does not do me any real favors with people.

I made the right decision though. I'm happy here, alone. Strangly enough I believe I have been begging on this thing for someone to talk to, and yet I realize that in this exact moment that is the last thing I want. Conversation is effort, chatting is trivial, and jokes are untranslatable here.
This is not a complaint of Berlin. Instead, it is one of anywhere. I don't want to be anywhere but here: listening now to 'til Tuesday's Voices Carry and thinking about a 4:30am bath. I don't want anyone to be here. Me Myself and I.

Selfish Girl.

theMexicangirl

2006-07-06T10:43:00.000-04:00

So my one friend from the States is here and already there is too much to type about.

Later.

Achilles Heel

2006-06-30T04:58:00.000-04:00

So I already sent out a little bullitin on Myspace about this exact same subject, and yet I 'just can't get enough(!!clapclap!!)' of talking about this little factoid I learned this morning. Plus, I just learned how to spell Achilles Heel and I'm wanting to spell it over and over so that I never forget how to do so.

So, a little website told me this: "The term ÂAchillesÂ heelÂ was first used by a Dutch anatomist, Verheyden, in 1693 when he dissected his own amputated leg."

Tell me know, how disgustingly interesting is that!

Plus, I have spent a lot of time surfing these past few days and discovered, (quite late as I always do,) this site: Odeo.com , which is good for people like me with shitty dial up connections in their ancient apartments. I can hear 'Wait, Wait... Don't Tell Me!' without having to wait over an hour for a podcast to download, that might not be complete, or might not download at all.

I'm Sitting Upright in Bed.

2006-06-28T20:05:00.000-04:00

I am listening to 'Every You Every Me' by Placebo, and debating whether I can find a place open late enough to eat. Well, I know there are places to go but I am not feelin' falafel at this point and those Döner Imbusses are the only things usually open at 3am on Wednesday.

What I really want is someone to talk to. I want someone to call me back but I don't want to sound needy so I call no one more than once. I just missing my friends back home so much it hurts. I mean don't get me wrong, I love Berlin and I like the people I've met etc. I just wish those special few people from VA could have joined me. The other students here are just a fun group of kids to go out with on the off chance we have enough money between all of us.

::Warning, pointless paragraph ahead, hopefully it ties ininn the end but no one can say for sure.::

Today, I deactivated my Facebook account after realizing that I never use it and I find it a hastle to put up with. Plus, I don't really have a lot of friends at CMU anyway so what is the point on trying to keep up with them? I have a feeling that, (very unfortunately,) camps have been made and lines have been drawn, which is so the way with hormonal teenage drama. :o/

Alright, I am going on the record now as saying that I do not care about the past. It is just that, in the past, behind us, gone, done, etc. Now that isn't to say that I am the type to forgive and forget, (me and the good Lord are still working on that,) but I am really tired of pissy bullshit. If you don't like me, believe me it is your loss. But really, seriously, is it worth spending large parts of your day thinking about how mad you might be at someone when you could be getting on with your own life. No. No, it isn't.

After the Ex/Factor and I split I just cut all ties. I got my shit from the apartment and bolted. No contact, no sitting at home dwelling, just working on making new friends and getting ready for and then living in Berlin. It was nice, and I was happy until snakes started crawling through the DSL lines from across the pond.

The best part about the latest email from SheWhoNeedn'tBeMentioned is that I realized how we are big kids now, and yet when two people get into a fight the shittalk starts with mutuall friends. Then all of a sudden what I might have said about someone in the past is common knowlede and blown out of proportion.

Pardon Me Please but: As if no one in this whole world ever gossiped or complained about a friend? (Come on now.) I am not saying however, that it is right and excusable, but for fucks sake who has never been annoyed by someone that they would call a friend at, att least,) one point in their relationship? Now friends of friends who have nothing to do with the one real argument at hand are suddenly, (somehow and fornoe reason,) involved, become cliquish, and get all defensive. A line in the sand is such a stupidultimatume.

I'm sorry, but I stopped playing telephone in Kindergarten for the exact same reason why I don't play it know. It is and always was a stupid game. I am certainly not perfect and Idefinaltyy do not claim to be so, but I do know how to act like a BigKid and move on instead of obsess over something that is not a part of my life anymore.

Pittsburgh, leave me alone. I'll deal with you when I get there alright? I mean this very seriously: Fuck off Pittsburgh. I'm in Berlin and don't need this monkey on my back.

Sun's up again...

2006-06-26T22:08:00.000-04:00

And I am sitting here listening to Jeff Buckley. I feel like the ultimate pretentious college ex/pat. I always get a bit lonely around this hour and want my phone to ring. When I pick it up I want it to be one of two people from home that I haven't heard from recently. I want to stay up for days and talk about living here as well as find out what is going on back in the Chesapeake-a, Va. I sent out postcards to respective friends as cheap german gift-ies and hope that their responce will bring us somewhat closer.

What's my problem, I leave in a month and a half. I have no time left in Berlin and I can't stop thinking about home. Maybe it's because I have only two or three weeks in VA and then it is back to the goulage in western PA. I'm not ready to have to do real work at that very real world place. Oh My dearest God! Fuck CMU(!!!) My cousin was right, it's a great school but everyone is beyond easily burnt out.

I'm just not in the mood for a group of pretentious, overly intelligent, over-eager asswhipes that call themselves students. Plus, bumping into the ex/factor, as kosher as we might be, doesn't sound like fun. Too much of my life is in Pittsburgh and I've been trying to run away from that for so long I'm getting tired.

Instead, I want to move to Holland amoungst the TulipPeople and learn more Dutch, (which b/t/w is surprisingly similar to German,) and marry someone with that same yearning to speak languages that sound like a throat disease.

Catch - 22

2006-06-26T16:21:00.000-04:00

To go out, or not to go out? That is the question!
Weather 'tis nobler for the mind to study?
Or to suffer the slings and arrows of fortune
After going to the streets to enjoy a cold beer with friends?

Man I know how to rape the Bard. Could that be worse from memory?!

Me not wanting to study this stupid article for art history will be the end of me. SonofaBitch.

If You Were Ever in My Way.

2006-06-24T21:49:00.000-04:00

Almost 4am again, (UTC+6 mind you,) and I have the lights on low in my little apt. Watching Scrubs again, I also am surfing for nothing on the mindlessinterweb putting off art making for the 10th time in the past 20minutes. Way to go.

I can't sleep. Probably because I woke up at 7pm yesterday, but also because I have this one word running through my head. 'die Notfall.' It means 'emergency' in German and it came in the form of a SMS at about 10:30/11 saying that I need to haul ass over to Charlottenburg. At 11pm there no way I could get there in less than an hour.

After the M5 to Alexanderplatz, the S-Bahn to Zoologischergarten, and 2 SMS's + a phone call to a random Portugese guy later I was finally in the presence of my 'Notfall'.

She was tanked and wearing a blue haltertop with jeans while carrying a bottle of Becks and asking me over and over to help her, help her! I meet her friends, her guy, and she steals me into the bathroom. I hate being cornered and this is exactly what happened. She's gonna cry and I needed to balance friendship with responsibility seeing as I'm the most sober. I really hate being cornered. It's not right, it's not fair, and it never ends well.

We get back to my place only after listening to the same three stories caught in her head over and over over, (etc.) I also witnessed a drunk old man wearing face paint attack a drunk young man dressed in black and slicked back hair. It was just sad.

In my apartment, I decided a plan of action that was better then her's and good for the both of us. The balancing act was amazing. ::patting self on back::
We smoked a rolled cigerette on the balcony and talked about the World Cup while in the back of my mind I kept thinking how paranoid this whole thing makes me. It's definatly not right, and certainly unfair, that I should think about myself when she's the one that needs a cup of tea, a Xanex, and someone to talk to.

I sent her on her way home, (she wanted to leave and be with this guy,) and have been up ever since.

It is 5:30 now. I'm gonna go get lost in my sheets.

Germany and "Going All the Way"

2006-06-24T16:01:00.000-04:00

There is something very exciting about being here during what seems like a turning point for this country. The Germans, especially Berliners, are a skiddish about displays of national pride, as my ex-boyfriend was about kissing in public. extremely.
This is not because they don't want to - it's just thePast has made them feel guilty about it - the same way my ex's mother probably made him feel about PDA. So when I see Germans in the streets and in their cars and on their balconies with flags - I will tell you it does make me feel so happy for them.

With the World Cup being played here in Germany and the team doing exceptionally well this time around this country has been able to come out and show off the Black Red and Gold without shame - as well as earn some extra revenue. Now the team is currently in the eighth finale - if they were to really go all the way and win the whole thing I can't imagine what kind of national holiday/riot/explotion would happen here in the capital.

This city is so poor and so in need of attention from the government it is truly upseting. A lot of people receive federal paychecks, (welfare essentially,) but as always there are people who don't get enough as well as those who shouldn't be taking advantage of it. After the reunification the West has had to foot the bill so that their brothers could crawl out of the whole that was communisim in the East. Now the West is pissed, feeling that they are footing too much of the bill not just for the East but for the EU as well. 'We can only be taxed so much' is the general consencious - and yet the reality is, some one must pay.

So is the way with everything. I have noticed that the largest examples can always somehow be related to the smallest happenings. A country get's their first victory in at least twenty years, ( I'd say the wall falling is still number one in the books here,) and a poor German girl concures her fear of seeing a docter for the worst reasons anyone would need to go.

See the problem with going all the way is that you have to be able to pay for it.

Lovely.

2006-06-23T18:14:00.000-04:00

So in the week before my dearst Mexican comes to visit I have been dealing with the scary big people things like health insurence forms and finding apartments in Pittsburgh - as well as continuing email contact with the XFile.

Some things to remember though, for all of you who choose to come to Berlin.

Definatly learn the S-Bahn U-Bahn and Tram schedules by heart. Unless you enjoy wandering through the city for four hours by foot until the sun comes up over Frankfurter Tor. (It's beautiful by the way.)

Bring your camera everywhere. So when you find the German equivalent to an awesome trailer park you can film it in the wee hours of the night without pissing off the monsters that live within.

Don't ask the cops for anything but directions.

Outdoor DJ's with live video projections and a grill equals an excellent celebration of someone's 25th birthday but don't bring along your own overpriced indian food. It's just rude.

Otherwise nothing much for this sad excuse for a post.

Schweden

2006-06-19T06:16:00.000-04:00

I am a very big fan of the Swedish people. The men that they breed are too perfect and I really want to bring one back for you America. We would all be so much happier if we had our own Swed.

In other news, the $$ is shit against the €€.

Otherwise I have been the most productive little ex-pat in all of Berlin, seeing as I went to the doctor, drugstore, Anmeldung office, and the university all before 12pm. So while all you lovely Americans were dreaming your hopefully sweet dreams, I got shit done. ::patting self on back::

Thank you very much, over and out.

Dr.Pong and HouseBugs.

2006-06-18T13:12:00.000-04:00

It's been raining again the past few days here which upset me. Only because Ic an't wear sandels without fear of slipping and really hurting myself on the cobbelstones and crappy pavement here.

In between rainshowers I found this place called Dr. Pong with a friend of mine last night. It is this abandoned looking whole in the wall on Kastanine Alle in Prenzelberg. The minute you enter the door there is a burst of smoke and partynoise. People are everywhere and on this particular night there had gathered a ring of German men around the large ping pong table in the center of the first room. They moved in a circle around the table attempting to keep the ball moving back and forth. It didn't really work. I squeezed through the massive crowd over the the next room with a DJ that was the lone dancer to his music. I mentioned to my friend that it's like laughing at your own joke - kinda funny but really more sad then anything. A Becks cost $2.50 which really pissed me off but I bet a mixed drink is in between 4 and 6 euro. A shame really. They are making all that money off of drinks and don't put any of that revenue into the building. It seems though to be very chic to look like a squatter here. When the buildings are renevated I admit they do loose some of their charm or history. But for crying out loud, when the floor starts coming up from underneith you or the ceiling falls from above you, there is a problem.

Oh no, Miami's pet just dead I need to help him through this rough time. As well as explain to him that your garden variety house bug doesn't probably even know it is alive let alone feel death's a comin'.

World Cup. and other Adventures.

2006-06-14T18:47:00.000-04:00

'An awesome excuse for drunken parties at an international level.'
It should really be the catch-phrase around here.

There's lots'o'face paint, ass grabbing, beer drinking, and BBQ-ing. All in all it is pretty fun until you are in no mood for those asshole Italians and their fucking noise makers.

I left my apartment one afternoon to meet folks at the Fan Fest near Potsdamer Platz that stretches a whole mile to Tiergarten. The second I reached the tram I was blown away by the thick smoke possibly coming from grills in the neighborhood. Even though I don't eat meat, and haven't in over 7 years, I still enjoy the smell of people burning anything and adding sauce to it. One bottle of water later and a mad dash to the M5 I was on my way into chaos.

After a very long U-Bahn ride where my chest was stared at by unabashed Europeans, I climbed out of the station to be bombarded by Black, Red, and Yellow people everywhere. An asian woman stood near the Balzac coffee by the station crying out over the frey, 'Ein Euro, Ein Euro!!' whilst lugging around a bag stuffed with German flags and other WM crap. Occationally some half tanked blond German would stummble over to shut her up.

I met up with my Michigan-mate and we headed into a wooded path that opened to hundreds upon hundreds of screaming fans. After seeing the first girl get man-handled by a group of drunk football fans, we decided it was best to leave. The food sucked anyway and the beer was way too overpriced. ( I mean come on 3.50 euro for a plastic cup of Berliner Kindel!! ) ::note the pretention in that statement::

Since then I 've attended the 'Fan Fest Berlin' a few more times with better results. It seems everytime I go I meet up with another new group of people from some other corner of the world. Our similairties end at the languages we speak. The whole night it's German with a little bit of English for clarification when needed. I just feel like an ass for only speaking one forgein language when the average is between three and five. Maybe there is a French class in my near future...

In other news the past has started to creep into my Inbox. After January, I needed a fresh start and I was really lucky to have that until now. When I do return America, I promise to continue my resolution of starting over. I haven't looked back since the beginning of the year and I am not going to start looking over my sholder now. I might turn into a pillar of salt.

Just.Because.

2006-06-12T20:56:00.000-04:00

We had a U.S soccer team?!!

Could have told be before today!
We got our asses handed to us by the Czech Rep. anyway...

And so.

2006-06-09T10:07:00.000-04:00

Last night at around three in the morning I decided, (while completely sober mind you!) to call up the XFile for a chat.

I'm homesick. He's the one of the few phone numbers that I can remember off the top of my head and no one else was picking up. This time it didn't end in his getting upset and hanging up on me. Instead we were civil and sweet-ish to one anouther. I mentioned it isn't nice to break up with someone over instant messenger. But regardless of that comment, it went well and my outlook is a bit more possitive.

In other news, an Indian woman weds a cobra.

Otherwise, I feel guilty for not having gone to the studio in a very long time. I prefer to work through the night with hot coffee, my arm warmers and some comfy sweats. Sleep is for the hours between 8am-1:30pm. But I am dying to pump out more prints and I am running out of time to do it. Fuck.

In other words, a boring, happenless German afternoon.

moreEvidence.

2006-06-07T05:46:00.000-04:00

Whilst chilling in the UdK cafe on the first pretty day in a long time, I figure I will take advantage of the free internet and upload some of the GermanExperience.

I'm lying down half drunk in front of an old ass museum at 4 or 5 in the morning - just for these two photos.. I later put them together as best I could. The bottem is just the title card for the peice.

This is actually an instillation of theAussiegirl. She took a photo of me, herself, and another friend of ours, blew it up and stuck it in the toilet of the Jewish Girl's School. The school was being used as one of many buildings housing the Berlin Biennial where she worked as a guard. I guess she figured she could put the Biennial on her resume after this.

theAussiegirl.

@ Planet the best bar in Berlin in my humble opinion.

The shop window of Hugo Boss in the trendy/tourist.ie part of town. The stage rotates, and no matter the light or lack there of outside I can't stand looking at this for too long.

Some photos from the Biennial. I didn't get a lot of titles or artist's names but they are interesting to look at.

This concludes this round.

a.Visa.

2006-06-06T18:01:00.000-04:00

I don't have one, and I need one.
My three months are up in about five weeks and it takes 6-8 weeks to get an appointment at the importantGermanOffice where one must apply. By the time I can get in there I will be illegal. fuck... I think the worst that could really happen though is that I get deported. :\ Which really would be more embarassing then anything else.

I'm running out of money fast, (which I expected anyway,) but it still isn't fun. The weather is still cold, and I think I am getting sick.

Despite all of this, I know I'll be fine. I'll land on my feet and all. I'll finish the semester here. MyMexican is coming to visit, then my mother and brother. I have things to look forward to. (I say this more for me then anything else. Daily affirmations if you will.)

I need a bath, some tee, and two passport sized photos please.

Again, the Wait. (and how it destroys women.)

2006-06-05T18:18:00.001-04:00

Disclaimer, one bottle of cheap champage and I can't be held accountable for this entry...

The weather hasn't let up today at all. it stopped raining for a while and began again as if to say, Fuck You.

I finished the entire Berlin Bienial, (spelling always a problem, you can't check it on a German version of Google that is unescapable.) theAussie and I flitted to and fro from each of the seperate buildings housing the event with her guard pass and saw a lot of great art, and a lot more bullshit wrapped in government funding. Funny how Berlin suffers from a 29% unemployment rate... or higher for that matter. I'm just happy they didn't get 7€ from your's truely.
We also sat in cafes and managed to look very hot and important while chowing down on food and coffee we couldn't afford. theAussie lifted english magazines and also managed a free tote from the semi-attractive guard at the gift shop. (I am telling you her little pass got us everywhere.)

As far as the aformentioned Wait. it is something that grips us all when we least need it. it is what spreads five minutes, or five seconds even, into 5thousend years or longer. There is a time limit to everything, but theWait creates a metaphorical virtigo that makes one spiral into panic over something that - when looked at objectivly - shouldn't be so troublesome. The finish line never seems to appear.

And just when you think he is messaging you, he's not. And the Wait continues.

::Sidenote:: No one is ever online. Why? I prefer a conversation in realtime and am always left out in the cold. It is only 6:30 where you are America! I stay up late for you!

This is getting really bad. This is probably going to be deleated after my buzz wears off tomorrow.

Super.Gifted.

2006-06-02T20:56:00.000-04:00

I am exhausted.

Movie on couch. sleep.

the end.

Song Titles

2006-05-31T05:23:00.000-04:00

I have been singing in the mirror a lot hoping to fall in and join the fun on the other side.

'till tuesday's voices carry
anything dresden dolls
radiohead, (of course)
fiona apple's o'sailor
we both go down together by the decemberists
and covenant's remix of torn

I have this habit of escaping into my head with these songs and really attempting to cling to something unrealistic. Then I go home and draw my heart out. It helps to hurt, I find it very inpirational.

'meet me on my vast veranda, my sweet untouched miranda!'

so on and so forth.

In other news, I need to catch the U2 to an exhibition all the way across town. Wish me luck finding a seat between the strollers, bikes, and assholes.

Groggy on Sunday.

2006-05-28T08:02:00.000-04:00

I saw all of Berlin in one sleepless night/day/night and must tell all of you how important it is to come and visit.

Pictures coming soon.

to a very missed America
a kiss from June.

Another Berlin Friday.

2006-05-26T12:00:00.000-04:00

Wednesday night I was drunk as a skunk with theAussie-girl and after an eventful night of Berlin bar-hopping, I spotted my coincidenceGuy across the tracks of the M10. As we walked across these tretourous tracks I opened up my mouth to say something and fell hard across two bands of iron and into some very jagged rocks. I screamed out loud, 'Fuck! It hurts! oh FUCK it hurts!!!' and couldn't hear anything. My head had gone completely numb and there was only a slight buzzing and the muffled sounds of theAussie-girl and some guy she brought home saying things like, 'It's okay, we're almost there!'
I crawl to the other side of the street where I still can't hear anything and start puking green vomit onto someone's front stoop. I'm shaking uncontroably and in the back of my head realizing how much I had actually had to drink in the past twelve hours. It has been a while since I have been this careless. The guy brings some water over to me and then lifts me up in his arms, carrying me down a block until he doesn't know where to go. I finally direct the two of them back to my flat and curl up in a ball on my bed, only to wake up the next day without a hang over, (how is beyond me.) Instead, My arms and legs are so bruised and swollen I had a limp for the rest of the day. Even today, I have trouble lifting my arms over my head and the swelling has yet to go down in my right knee and hand.

Last night on the other hand was lovely. A calm evening at B Flat, with theGermanTeddyBär, an American, and OhMichigan! is just what I needed. The jazz singer on this particular night was French with a very good command of the German language, and her small band including an up-right bass, drums, and piano had a calming effect on my sore heart, (still consumed by theKiller,) and body.

Today though, is my day. I woke up at two, and not for any other reason then because I wanted to. It was a brilliant, lazy day with lots of Sex and the City on DVD and laundry. The weather has been chilly fo the past few days so I have the heat up to a comfy temperature and have completed my daily chores lounging in underware and a Carnegie Mellon T-Shirt.

I might be battered and bruised inside and out but that doesn't matter. Today is my day.